The night before life goes on
by Music of the wind
Summary: Set in season four. Oz knows he has to leave Willow for her own safety. She convinces him to stay for another two weeks. When he has to leave sooner then planned how does she cope with it?
1. The night before life goes on

_**The night before Life Goes On**_

_She's sitting on the roof sneaking a smoke by the chimney checking out the moon and city lights. He takes off his flannel shirt and drapes it around her shoulders. He slides up behind her and holds on tight. She says I don't want this night to end. Why does it have to end?_

**Flash back:** **You are leaving? That's how you handle problems? You think you can just run away from this… from me?"**

**Oz walked over to Willow and put his hand on her shoulder "I'm not leaving just yet. I'll be here for the next two weeks." Willow pushed his hand away "So you think that just because you are here for two weeks longer…"**

**Willow's anger melted when she saw the pain in Oz's eyes. The tears that she had been holding back now poured down her face. Oz lightly kissed her cheeks "Let's take a walk. I have something I want to show you." End flashback:**

Willow now sat on her bed watching Oz pack. Tears filled her brown eyes but she didn't want to cry anymore. Oz saw her shinning eyes "Listen I don't have any other choice. I could hurt someone… I could hurt you. That's not something I can face… not now not ever. When I get things in order I'll come back."

Willow didn't say anything she just took off up the stairs that led to the roof. Once she reached the top she sat down and cried. Once she had stopped crying she stared up at the moon and the bright city lights. Just then Oz came up from behind her "Willow its freezing out here. Here put this on."

Willow put the flannel shirt on and leaned into Oz's arms. Her head rested on his bare chest and she tried not to start crying again. Oz felt her body tense up and kissed her hair. Willow sniffled "Oz why does tonight have to end? Why does the sun have to rise? I hate this."

Oz sighed, "Willow I know this is hard but in truth its better this way. You'll be safe and can fall in love again. No don't cry. Willow I can't stand it when you cry. You'll meet better guys, better none werewolf guys. It'll be ok Willow."

Willow didn't say anything she just burst into full out heart wrenching sobs. Oz silently rubbed circles on her back telling her to take breathes. Once she had control of herself she sniffed, "Only thirteen more days. I don't know if I can do this."

_Tomorrow she'll be rolling down me –ten Baton Rouge L S U. Eighteen years in her rearview. He's got a Friday paycheck lined up down the block at daddy's shop. It isn't much but it's a job. They've been dreading this moment all summer long the night before life goes on._

The next morning Willow woke up to find Oz wasn't in the bed next to her. Tears fell silently down her face. Buffy touched her arm "Will? Willow? Are you alright? So what did you and Oz talk about last night? I know he was talking about leaving. Did you get him to stay Will?"

Willow sadly shook her head gasping for breath "No Buff. He's not staying. He's leaving in two weeks. I've made a choice though. As soon as he leaves I'm going to transfer schools. I know I've lived in Sunny Dale for the past eighteen years but Buffy. You were right though I should go to Yale or Harvard. It'll be good for me. It'll hurt but help me forget. I'm going to miss him so much. Buffy what am I going to do?"

Buffy put a comforting arm around her friend's shoulder "Switching schools is maybe a little drastic don't you think. There is a better way to figure this out."

Xander walked into the room "Oh hey girls. So to slay or not to slay that is the question? What'll it be Buff? Oh it looks we are short one werewolf."

Willow buried her face into her pillow. Tears fell on Oz's side of the bed soaking the mattress. Buffy frowned at Xander "Honestly would you think before you speak? Oz is only going to be here for two weeks. Willow is having trouble… coping. She wants to transfer to another school."

Without lifting her head Willow sobbed "It still smells like him. Buffy can you run a load of laundry? I need to forget the smell… if he's really going to go then… I can't remember."

Buffy nodded slowly and then passed the load of sheets to Xander. Then she sat on the stripped the bed and hugged her friend close "Willow, you can't mope forever. Moping isn't productive. I'll give you three days to mope but that's it. Then you are going to get up and go to class. I'll get you notes. They aren't as good as yours but it'll be something. Now get some sleep. You can sleep on my bed. It actually has sheets on it."

After Buffy went to class Oz knocked on the door. He slowly opened it and stared heart brokenly at Willow "I'm leaving tonight. My dad got me a job. It's just a small job at his store but its something… I need to have a job and I need to have money… I'll miss you but you're going to be ok. I promise you Willow."

After pressing his lips softly to her forehead he breathed "Ok I'll stay one more night but then I have to go. I heard someone is going to Harvard. I'm so proud of you. Willow you can do anything and go anywhere as long as your heart is in it."

Willow nodded her head slowly "Yeah I'm transferring over and it'll be fun. I've always wanted to go to Harvard even when I was small. Education has always been a big deal in my family. The only thing I'll miss is you Oz."

_A tear falls off her cheek. Right when it hits his arm he says come on baby lets get out of here. They take one last drive around town. Man it already looks different. He bangs the wheel and says life isn't fair. This growing up stuff man I don't know. I just don't want to let you go._

Willow started to sit up before Oz could see her cry. He wasn't fooled though and pulled her back into his arms "Hey, don't cry. Why don't we go somewhere just the two of us? Just take one last drive around Sunny Dale; remember all of the things we did together."

Willow nodded and allowed Oz to wipe a tear from her face. They were half way to the high school when Oz banged on the steering wheel and screamed "This isn't fair! Everything looks different now! Everything is changing!"

Willow touched his shoulder gently "Change isn't all bad… I mean look I'm transferring into Harvard. That's a big change and you… you are taking a job out of state. Yes it's tearing us apart but it can be good. You just have to have a little faith?"

Oz put the car in par and hugged Willow close to him "The moon is about to rise. I should head back. God I don't want to let you go. When I do let go promise you'll be safe?"

Willow swallowed the lump in her throat and tried to talk around it "I'll be safe. I just don't want you to let go. You'll be safe to right? I mean no weird attacks that can't be explained. I guess we should get back. I love you."

_That's what my momma told me. Just like those kids I didn't want to listen to no one. There's nothing you can do. There's nothing you can say. I know how it feels when love goes away. They've been dreading this moment all summer long. Now here it is they don't have long._

When they got back Oz gave Willow one last hug before she put him in the cage. She took a deep breath "Oz I can't lie to you. This is breaking my heart. My mother warned me that falling in love with you was a mistake. I just didn't want to listen."

Oz hugged Willow close to him and sighed "Will, I'm doing this for you… to protect you. I couldn't live myself if I ever hurt you. This is the way it has to be. Now get away from the cage."

After Willow left she burst into tears and ran into the dorm. Buffy saw her tears "Willow. What happened? Did you two fight?"

Willow sniffled "No I just told him how much it was really killing me. He keeps feeding me this excuse that he's doing this for me. He's afraid of hurting me. I think that's all a bunch of bull crap! He's leaving tomorrow. He's in the middle of his cycle and he's leaving. What if there's an attack or something? What if he slips and kills someone? I can't face that!"

Buffy pulled her friend up from where she had fallen to the floor. Then she spoke gently "Nothing is going to happen. I know how it feels to find out the one you love isn't good for you. I know what that's like. Remember Angel? He left me in a pretty bad place and it hurt but I got through it. I know I ran away and went to Hell but I got through it. If something does happen though you are going to have to let me do my job. I know it sucks and there's nothing I can say to make it better. The truth of the matter is Will you have to be the one to make it better. Xander and I can't nor will we try to make that choice for you. Transferring to Harvard isn't to have you missing Oz any less. Think about your choice before you make it. Now let's get some sleep."


	2. Two am

Two am

_Snow falls on the city white on white. It's the color of hope on an unforgiving night. You kissed me into ruins sin on sin. Now I've got to love your love letters written on my skin. _

It had been three days since Oz left, and Buffy and Xander were very worried about Willow. It had gotten to the point where saying they were worried was an understatement.

Xander went over to his friend's bed and softly touched her shaking shoulder. "Will, come on. I hate seeing you like this. You'll feel better once you take a hot shower. That's my girl."

Willow sat up slowly. "Why did he leave, Buffy? I don't understand…. Did I do something wrong? Who am I kidding? He probably just got bored with me. I'm nothing special."

Buffy mouthed to Xander that she wanted to have a moment alone with Willow. Once Xander had left the room, Buffy sat on the bed beside her friend. "Don't talk like that. Leaving you is something Oz…" Buffy broke off her sentence when she felt tears landing on her shoulder. Carefully she pulled the sobbing witch into a tight embrace. Then she took Willow's hand and was shocked when she pulled back in pain.

Willow pulled away and the Slayer stroked her arm tenderly. "Buffy, what are you looking at? I fell and bruised my arm a little that's all."

Buffy wasn't convinced, and took Willow's arm again. This time she rolled up the sleeves of the sweater she was wearing. What she saw almost made her throw up in her mouth. Her friend's arms were covered with still healing cuts.

Willow tried to snatch her arms away, but Buffy held them firmly but gently in her grasp. When Xander came back into the room fifteen minutes later Buffy still hadn't rolled the sleeves back down. He went over to the girls with a concerned look on his face. "What happened?"

Xander then took a close look at his friend's arms. A hand quickly flew to his mouth before he gasped. "What the hell happened to you? Willow, what aren't you telling me and Buffy here?"

Willow yanked her arms out of Buffy's grasp and glared at her and Xander. "Why should I tell you? It's not like you'd care or understand! Just leave me alone!"

Neither Xander nor Buffy made to move away from the bed. Instead they both pulled Willow into a strong comforting hug. They didn't know what to say. One thing was very clear though, Willow needed serious help before she could harm herself further.

After Willow had gone to sleep Buffy pulled Xander aside. "I never thought she'd slip this far downward. God, if I could get my hands on that stupid, ungrateful excuse for a werewolf I'd…."

Xander gently squeezed the Slayer's shoulders. "Buff, he didn't have a choice… if he'd stayed here he could have hurt someone. I know that's not something you want to believe, but it could have happened. You saw what he did to that other wolf… what he almost did to Willow. I don't like seeing her so sad either Buff…. We just need to show her that she has us and will always have us. Hopefully that, and some help will be enough."

Buffy heard her friend's voice crack and hugged him close. Just then someone knocked on the door. Buffy stood up and went to answer it. Anya stood in the doorway without a coat despite the fact that it was snowing heavily.

Xander went over to his girlfriend and hugged her. Anya sighed. "It's so cold out there. I didn't grab a coat because I was in a hurry. Xander get off me! This is important!"

Xander quickly pulled back and stared at his girlfriend in shock. Buffy was just as confused as Xander but she could see he wasn't going to talk anytime soon she asked. "What happened Anya?"

Anya motioned over to the couch. "You both might want to sit. Something is wrong with Giles. He's in the hospital. I just got the call. I would have called, but I didn't think that this is something you share over the phone. I guess this usually the point when humans hug each other and say how sorry they are."

Xander nodded, not really paying attention to his ex-demon girlfriend. He was instead watching Buffy with concerned eyes. She hadn't moved from her seat on the couch since Anya asked them to sit down.

Carefully, he asked. "Buffy, should we wake Willow? I know she's going through a rough time, but she loves Giles just as much as we do."

Buffy didn't say anything she just sadly nodded. As Xander went to go wake Willow, Anya slid over to where Buffy was sitting. She spoke gently. "Giles will be fine. The doctor who called said it was just a precaution. How's Willow? I know you said she wasn't herself."

Buffy sighed. "She has been cutting her wrists. I found out tonight, about an hour before you got here. I figured something was wrong, but I never suspected this… Willow has always seemed so strong. I never thought she'd sink this low."

Anya put a reassuring hand on Buffy's shoulder. "Buffy, you can't pin this on yourself. I've seen a lot of things happen in my years as a vengeance demon. Some women seek revenge and others blame themselves. It'll take time, but she'll come to her senses."

_I can't tell the stars from the down town lights. If I said I was truly over you my heart would say amen. I give in to the cold caress of two am. If I admit I can't get used to this will my break again. I fall into the waiting arms of two am._

An hour later Buffy, Xander, Willow, and Anya were in the waiting room waiting for someone to tell them what was wrong with Giles. Buffy took this time to have a serious talk with her best friend.

She pulled Willow aside and pushed her gently into a chair. Willow refused to even look at Buffy when she sat down in the chair across from her. Buffy eventually decided to speak first. "Willow, I don't even know where to start. Normally I'd just say I was here for you… but that doesn't even begin to cover this. I'm worried about you. I know you are upset about Oz…. but hurting yourself is never the answer."

At this point Buffy was praying to God that Willow would listen to what she was saying. She wasn't expecting the witch to leap out of her seat and hug her. Nor was she expecting Willow to begin sobbing into her shoulder, gripping onto it like her life depended on it.

Xander and Anya heard the gut wrenching sobs, but felt it was best to let Buffy handle it. After about twenty minutes Willow removed her head from the Slayer's neck and sniffled. "It's just so hard Buff. I loved Oz so much. I don't know if I can just learn to live without him. I want to let go and move on, but my heart won't let me."

Buffy pulled her friend into a gentle hug. "Will I know it's hard… I went through the same thing with Angel… and we all know how well I handled that. That's not the point though, Will. The point… the point is you aren't me. I don't want you to make the same mistakes I did. Xander and I are here when ever you need us."

Willow took a deep breath. "Buffy, I don't think I can stay here. This town holds too many memories of the two of us together. I already talked to the dean. My transfer should have gone through last night. I'm going to miss you so much. Don't tell Xander though. I think it might be too much for him to handle. Do you want to help me pack tonight?"

Buffy started to say that she wanted Willow to think about this, but a nurse said they could see Giles. The four of them followed the nurse to Giles' room. Anya went to go inside first but Xander pulled her back. "Ahn, let Buffy go in first. He is her Watcher."

Buffy mouthed a silent thank you to her friend before going into the room. Her heart jumped into her throat when she saw Giles lying in the hospital bed in a peaceful sleep. She kissed his forehead softly. "God, Giles, you scared me. When Anya showed up outside my house saying you were in the hospital… you nearly gave me a heart attack. I'll just let you sleep now."

Buffy then sat down in a chair after motioning that the others could come in. Willow covered her face with her hands, silent tears were running down her cheeks. Giles had been a father figure to all of them. Xander saw the tears and pulled her into a hug. "Will, Giles is going to be fine. It was just a heart attack. They are still running tests to figure out why it occurred, but he's out of the woods now. Come on and sit down."

Willow nodded and sat down. At that point Giles woke up and tried to sit up. Buffy was the first one by his side. "Oh, thank God you are awake! Did something attack you? If it did, I'll kill it."

Giles put his hands up and spoke in a tired voice. "Nothing hurt me. The only reason I'm in here is because of chest pains. I didn't mean to scare you Buffy. They are only keeping me over night for observation. They want to make sure these pains don't mean something worse could be wrong."

_Someone's scratchy music through the walls; sirens weaving through the streets I must have missed your call. I'm gathering up these nights black on black. I know your voice like it's my own and it makes my heart go slack._

Meanwhile, in a hotel room eight hours outside of Sunnydale Oz was sitting on his bed trying to think. He had wanted to call Willow but he didn't think that it would be a good thing to mess up her chances of being happy. On top of that, it was the last night in his wolf cycle.

Right before he changed he thought about her. He remembered everything - her face, her soft reassuring touch, her voice, and something he wished he could forget, he remembered how much she had cried the night they said goodbye.

Oz's father had gotten him a place in a research study where they were testing different herbs and other treatments to help stop a person from changing into a werewolf. Oz hadn't been completely honest with Willow. There was no job, only the treatments.

As he lay down on his bed he made a silent promise deep inside him. "I will come back to you Willow. I swear I will come back to you."

Tears dripped down his cheeks as the change took hold. However, instead of the gentle sound of someone reading to him, he heard the sounds of someone's music in the next room and sirens going down the street outside.

In the morning, he couldn't help himself and had to call her. He took a deep breath and dialed Willow's cell phone. It rang four times before it went to voicemail. His hands shook when he heard the familiar voice. "Hello, you've reached Willow Rosenberg. I'm not able to pick up the phone right now. Leave a message after the beep, and have a magical day."

Oz hung up the phone with a heavy heart. He didn't know if she was ignoring him or if something was wrong. The only thing he knew was he had to get further along with his treatment so he could be close to her again.

The treatments were unpleasant and some of them were rather painful. His father didn't know about the fact that they were injecting him with chemicals and sticking him with hundreds of needles. In Oz's eyes the treatments, no matter how painful, were bringing him one step closer to Willow. Whenever things got to be too much he would shut his eyes and would hear her voice.

When he arrived at the center the director of the study led him to a long bench and told him to lie down. Oz did what his was told and tried to relax. He was barely aware of the fact that they were attaching monitors to his head arms and feet. Instead every time one of the "doctors" touched him he pretended it was Willow's warm and gentle hand stroking his cheek and softly telling him it would be alright.

_I can't tell the stars from the downtown lights. If I said I was truly over you my heart would say amen. I give in to the cold caress of two am. If I admit I can't get used to this will my heart break again. I fall into the waiting arms of two am._

When Oz went back into his hotel room he fell to his knees from the amount of pain he was in. He closed his eyes and tried to force back a moan from escaping his lips. Tears ran down his cheeks. He crawled over to the window and tried to see the stars. He remembered that when he and Willow were together, sometimes they would just lay on the grass and watch the stars in the sky late into the night.

Tonight though, he was so stressed out he couldn't tell the stars from the city lights. He had been trying for days to tell himself that he was over Willow. Now he realized that he never would get over her. He would love her until it killed them both.

It was two in the morning when Oz finally tried to go to sleep. He wondered if Willow was thinking about him as much as he was thinking about her. He looked at one of the city lights and mumbled "I wish that there would always be a place for me in Willow's heart."


	3. stand in the rain

Stand in the rain

_She never slows down. She doesn't know why but she knows that when she's all alone feels like its all coming down. She won't turn around. The shadows are long. She fears if she cries the tears that first tear the tears won't stop coming down._

Willow sat on her bed in her dorm room. Buffy was helping her pack the last of her things. Buffy looked sadly up at her friend, "Will, do you really need to do this? I mean Harvard is so far away."

Willow looked up from her photo album she was holding in her hands. She still didn't meet Buffy's eyes. "Oh Buffy, you know I do. I'm going to miss you so much. I said I'd…"

Buffy couldn't hold back the anger that had been boiling inside of her all morning. She stood up and threw a book of spells against the wall. "You said what? That you'd leave your friends?! That you wouldn't even try to be happy without him?! Scare the hell out of me and Xander?! Well, you did it Willow!"

Willow watched Buffy leave, and felt tears burn in her eyes. She was afraid to allow herself to cry though. Crying made her feel weak, and she didn't think she'd be able to stop.

Buffy and Willow didn't know that Xander had been standing outside and had heard everything. He couldn't believe that Willow wanted to leave them. Quietly he went into the room. He saw Willow sitting on the floor packing suitcases.

Xander cleared his throat. "You are really leaving. If you are you should have this. I had to save a lot of money but… here, just open it."

Willow opened the velvet box and gasped. Inside was a beautiful heart shaped locket. She hugged Xander. "This is amazing! Help me put it on. I have to find a picture to put in here. I love it."

Xander smiled. He felt better knowing that he made her at least act happy. Gently he went behind Willow and put the necklace around her neck. He hugged her back. "That's the idea. I hope you don't mind, but I kind of already picked the picture for you."

Willow took the locket in her hand and slowly opened the clasp. The picture inside made tears well up in her eyes again. She took a deep breath. "Oz. You put a picture of me and Oz in here? Xander, how could you do this to me?"

Xander sighed. "Willow, listen, I did what I did because as much as you say you want to forget, I know you don't. I never wanted to hurt you. Willow please…."

Willow didn't answer, she just stood up and walked out of the room, ripping the locket off her neck. Once she was out of the room she ran up to the roof. She was barely aware of someone following her.

She didn't notice the girl sitting beside her until she felt someone touch her arm. She looked up and saw a blonde haired girl she had never met before. The girl blushed and stuttered. "I-I'm s-sorry. I-I s-should j-just g-go."

Willow smiled at the girl. "No, you don't have to go. I should finish packing anyway. I'm Willow. What's your name?"

The blonde girl blushed again and stuttered, "T-Tara."

Willow didn't know why, but she wanted to know more about this girl. She turned to face Tara again. "Hey, are you new here?"

Tara smiled and for the first time didn't stutter. "Yeah, I'm going to be roommates with a girl named Buffy Summers. Do you know her?"

Willow nodded. "She's my best friend. I guess after I leave you'll be her new roommate. I'm transferring to Harvard tomorrow."

Tara went to go back inside, but stopped when she saw Willow wasn't coming. "You ok, Willow?"

Willow shook her head. "I'm just going to miss this place. I've lived here for eighteen years. Sunnydale is my home. I'll be inside in a minute. My flight leaves in twelve hours and I still need to pack and…."

Tara went back over to Willow. "Listen, I don't know you, but you seem like a really nice girl. If something is wrong you can tell me."

Willow felt her voice break when she said, "I'm fine…. I'm just going to miss…"

Suddenly Willow found herself on her knees sobbing into her hands. Tara didn't think twice she just pulled Willow into a warm hug and waited for her to calm down. Willow eventually lifted her head and sniffled. "I'm sorry. I don't know where that came from. I guess I'm just being over emotional."

Tara shook her head and helped Willow to her feet. "You aren't. It's understandable that you'll miss your friends. If you've lived in a place your whole life it makes change harder to accept. You aren't just leaving a school, town, or a state. You are leaving behind family, friends, and a home. I'll let you in on a secret though - Sunnydale will always be your home."

_Stand in the rain. Stand your ground. Stand up when it's all crashing down. Stand through the pain you won't drown. One day what's lost can be found. Stand in the rain. She won't make a sound. Alone in this fight with herself; the fears whispering if she stands she'll fall down._

Willow went back to her dorm room with Tara. She didn't talk she just kept her eyes straight ahead and tried not to think. When they reached the door Willow fumbled with her key pretending like she couldn't find it.

The truth was, she was afraid that Buffy was still angry with her. Tara touched Willow's hand gently. "You have the key right here. I have a hotel downtown until the room is empty. I was just hoping to meet Buffy tonight. As you saw earlier, I don't do well meeting people for the first time. I stutter and stuff. Now that I see how late it is I'll just meet her later."

After Tara left Willow had no choice but to unlock the door. She found Buffy sitting on her bed pretending to read. She went over to her friend and touched her shoulder "Buffy… look, I know this is hard. I'm sorry. I just can't get over him, Buffy. I need a change of pace. I don't want to spend my last night here fighting with my best friends. Please look at me."

Buffy snorted, but wouldn't look up from her book. Willow started to get mad but then she noticed the "snort" was actually a sniff. Her expression softened and she sat on the bed next to the Slayer.

Buffy felt the bed sink lightly and looked up. "Willow… I don't want to fight with you either. I'm just going to miss you so much. Why do you have to go? I'm nothing without you and Xander…. Wait, you just said friends… you and Xander are fighting too?"

Willow nodded. "He gave me a locket and it had Oz's picture inside. I kind of got all freaky and weird. Do you know where he is?"

Buffy nodded. "He went to the Bronze. He said he needed to be alone."

Willow frowned. "Buffy what am I going to do? I can't leave without saying goodbye to Xander. He's my yellow crayon man. Don't ask about that one."

Buffy hugged her friend fiercely. "I'll tell you what we are going to do. We are going to go to the Bronze and talk to Xander. I won't have my two best friends fighting."

When they got to the Bronze they found Xander sitting at a table alone with his face in his hands. In front of him was the necklace he had given Willow. Buffy nudged the witch forward and mouthed for her to sit down.

Xander looked up when he heard two chairs move. He opened his mouth to speak when Willow cut him off. "Xander, I'm so sorry. The necklace was lovely. The picture inside shouldn't have bothered me so much."

Xander put his arm around Willow and gently hugged her. "No sweat… I mean, seriously, no sweat…Will what are you so nervous about? You are sweating bullets. What's the matter?"

Willow sighed and pulled away from Xander. "I'm fighting with myself right now. I want to go, but I want to stay. I feel like I'm being split in half. Xander… I'm going to…"

Xander put a finger to her lips. "I know… I'll miss you a lot too. Let's not talk about that now though. Let's talk about happy things. Buffy, you got anything happy?"

Buffy took a deep breath. "We are all together. That's not going to change either…. Will? Will? What's the matter? Why are you crying?"

Willow was staring at the soda a waiter had brought over to the table, tears streaming down her cheeks. She didn't even realize that she was crying until Xander handed her a napkin. After she wiped her eyes she sniffed. "I'm not in the Bronze type mood tonight. I think I'm just going to go to bed."

Buffy caught her friend's arm. "Willow, this is your last night here. I'm not letting you walk out of here upset. Now tell me what's bothering you."

Willow wrenched her arm out of Buffy's grasp and took off. Once she was outside she ran back to her dorm. Once she reached it she threw herself on her bed and screamed into her pillow. She felt like she was all alone. Even though she knew that it wasn't true, a voice in her head whispered, "They don't need you. You aren't worth anything to them. They know you are spineless and weak. They hate you."

Willow lifted her head from the pillow when Buffy came into the room. She took her coat off and sat down on the bed next to her. Gently she set a hand on her friend's back and rubbed circles on it trying to calm her.

Willow looked into Buffy's eyes. "You guys don't need me. I'm spineless and weak. I'm nothing important."

Buffy frowned. "Willow I know it feels that way, but it's not true. You aren't spineless and you most definitely aren't weak. You stand side by side with me and Xander fighting evil. Most people, if they had found out I was the Slayer, would have turned and ran. You and Xander didn't. You both stood right there with me. You both nearly got killed because of me several times and yet you never once ran away."

Willow nodded and hugged Buffy. "How do I make these feelings go away?"

Buffy hugged her friend tighter. "You have to stand up and fight. It's kind of what I have to do with vampires. They want me to give up, but I won't. I stand my ground. Even when things look bad, I still fight. You have to do that too."

_She wants to be found. The only way out is through everything she's running from. She wants to give up and lie down._

The next morning Willow dreaded getting up. Dried tears made her face sticky and she felt awful. Buffy lightly shook her shoulder. "Hey, it's time to get up. If you want to catch your plane you need to leave soon."

Willow groaned. "I don't want to go. Buffy… is Xander here?"

Buffy shook his head "He's not Will. He couldn't bear saying goodbye to you. He told me to give you this though. He said to tell you this picture is worth a thousand words."

Willow smiled when she saw the locket. When she opened it she saw the engraving "Faithful friends forever be." On the other side the picture was, instead of Oz, a picture of her Buffy and Xander at the Bronze.

Buffy hugged Willow. "I'll have to tell him you like it. You'll call us when you get the chance. God, I'm really going to miss you. You better come and see us when you get the chance. If I hear anything from Oz, do you want me to call you?"

Willow shook her head "If he wants to talk to me he knows my number. I'm sorry it had to end this way Buffy. Give Xander a hug for me. Shoot, my cab is here. I'll call once I'm settled. Maybe someday the wind will blow me back here."


	4. you were meant for me

You were meant for me

_I hear the clock it's six am. I feel so far from where I've been. I've got my eggs. I've got my pancakes to. I've got my maple syrup everything but you. I break the yokes and make a smiley face. I kind of like it in my brand new place._

Willow heard her alarm clock go off and got out of bed. She had moved into an off campus house because all of the dorms were full. After she had gotten out of the shower she turned to her dog Wicca and asked, "What do you want for breakfast?"

Wicca barked in response and went to lie down on the couch. Willow laughed. "Pancakes and eggs it is then."

Wicca barked again, staring at the coffee pot. The witch smiled and patted the collie's head. "Oh, how could I forget coffee. Buffy would hit me over the head for that one. I wonder what she's doing right now."

The collie yawned and laid down at Willow's feet while she mixed pancake batter. She had been attending Harvard for two weeks now and talked to Buffy every night. A hand absentmindedly fingered the locket with her friends' picture inside. She missed all of them. Tears lingered in her eyes but she didn't want to cry.

Wicca whined, sensing her mistress's loneliness. She looked at Willow with pleading eyes. Willow poured the batter into the pan and then sat down in a chair. Once she was settled she patted her lap and called, "Wicca, come here girl."

Wicca was a puppy Willow had found a week ago with barbed wire tied around her neck. The poor thing had been abused and wasn't very trusting. It surprised Willow when the dog jumped into her lap and curled into a ball.

Willow softly found herself humming the same song she used to sing to Oz when he was in his wolf form. She missed him very much and a tear dripped onto Wicca's fur. Wicca barked sadly and cuddled closer to her.

When the pancakes were ready Willow moved Wicca from her lap and moved them to a plate. Then she began making eggs. Once that was done she grabbed the maple syrup and her cup of coffee.

She sat down to eat her breakfast and noticed that she had made a smiley face. She broke the yokes of her eggs and put some of the liquid on a plate for Wicca. Then she grabbed her school books and went to class.

_Wipe the spots off the mirror. Don't leave my keys in the door. I never leave wet towels on the floor anymore. Dreams last for so long even after you are gone. I know that you loved me. Soon you will see you were meant for me and I was meant for you._

Later that night Willow came home from her classes and decided to take a hot shower. Her history class had been extra heavy on homework tonight and so had her art class. Once she got out she wiped the cloud of fog off the mirror and smiled. She had been right about one thing, transferring to Harvard had been good for her.

Before she went to bed she took Wicca for a walk. Buffy always used to yell at her for leaving the keys in the door after she locked it. She smiled at the memory and then put the keys on the table.

Meanwhile Buffy was at the Bronze with Xander. The two of them missed Willow a lot. Sure, she called all the time but that didn't change the fact that she wasn't sitting next to them.

Xander touched Buffy's arm. "Buff? Earth to Buffy"

Buffy shook her head and turned to face her friend. "Sorry Xander. Did you say something? I just keep thinking about Willow."

Xander nodded. "I was just asking if you heard from her recently. I know I should call her myself but…"

Buffy sighed "She hasn't called yet today. She asked me something weird last night. She asked me if you were angry at her. God only knows what put that idea in her head."

Xander frowned "I know I've messed up big. I should give her a call. It's just if I call her and she's still misses Oz I don't know what I might do."

Buffy set her hand on her friend's shoulder. "Xander, she has a long way to go, but she's dealing. She's in a drama class and has a place all to herself out there. The next time we are on break she wants us to come and see her. I want you to call her tonight."

Willow woke up after dreaming about Oz. In the dream he was laying next to her in his wolf form and he was kind and gentle. She didn't know what the dream meant. She'd been having this dream ever since she moved here.

Wicca climbed up into Willow's bed and licked the tears off her cheek. In return Willow scratched the collie's eyes and whispered. "That's my girl. Don't you worry, Oz will come back. He loved me and he still does. If he's meant for me he'll come back."

Wicca barked softly in return and yawned. The witch laughed. "Yeah, you are so much help. I'll just call Buffy."

Buffy rolled over when she heard the phone ring. Quickly, before it could wake Tara, she answered it. "Hello. Willow? Do you know what time it is? Yes I've missed you to but it's three in the morning."

Willow looked at her alarm clock. Seeing how early it was she mumbled a quick. "Sorry, Buffy"

Buffy had to smile even though she was beyond tired. "What's got you so happy? I hear barking?"

Willow laughed as Wicca licked her feet. Then she remembered that Buffy was on the phone. "Oh, I just have a furry friend over here tonight."

Buffy mistook the meaning of furry. "You have a werewolf in your bed and you are laughing? Is Oz back?"

Willow stopped laughing. "No Buffy, Oz hasn't even called. I keep dreaming about him though. I called you because I want to know if you have any idea as to what it means when I have a dream of him sleeping next to me in his werewolf form."

Buffy was thoughtful for a second. "Will, I hate to say this, but it's late and I have no idea what this dream means. I have a class at eight am, so can I call you later? Yeah, I'll tell Xander you said hi. Love you too Willow."

_I called my momma she was out for a walk. I consoled a cup of coffee but it didn't want to talk. I picked up the paper it was more bad news; more hearts being broken or people being used. Put on my coat in the pouring rain. I saw a movie it just wasn't the same. It was happy and I was sad. It made me miss you so bad._

The next morning Willow picked up the phone and called Xander. Anya answered the phone. "Hey Willow. Xander isn't in right now. He went for a walk. Giles is fine. He is getting discharged today. Buffy is really happy."

Willow asked, "Can you tell Xander that I called? I haven't talked to him since before I left. He didn't even say goodbye."

Anya sighed, this happened every time Willow called. It was almost like he was avoiding her. Xander wasn't on a walk, he was in the bedroom. Instead of telling Willow that she said, "I'll let him know, Willow. How are things in Harvard? I know that's a tough school. Are you keeping up with all of your classes?"

Willow rolled her eyes. "Yeah, I'm keeping up. This is me you are talking to. It's hard and I miss you guys…. I've got to go."

Anya heard the witch's voice crack. "Willow, you aren't alone. Buffy and Xander talk about you all the time. Buffy sometimes sits by the phone for hours waiting for you to call. Whenever you want, you can come home."

After Willow hung up the phone she crawled into her bed and sobbed into her pillow. Eventually she had to get up and get dressed. She went into the kitchen and poured herself a cup of coffee. Her mind wandered to when she and Buffy were having breakfast when she first started dating Riley.

Flashback: Buffy smiled at Willow while the two of them were enjoying breakfast. "You know why I like pancakes? You can put stuff in them. Waffles are good to because you can put stuff in the little holey things."

Willow smiled. "You should always have a new boyfriend. You are so happy and upbeat this way."

Buffy laughed. "I like Riley though. He's a perfectly happy nice normal guy."

End flash back:

After class that night the rain was pounding on her window. Its constant sound usually soothed her, but she was too stressed out to be calmed by anything. She remembered that Xander believed any problem could be solved by seeing a movie.

She picked up the paper flipped through the entertainment section. She saw the title of a romantic comedy that looked interesting. She started to put the paper down, but the headline caught her eye. It had to do with a special treatment plant that was using strange methods to control large wolves.

Willow's eyes filled with tears and she tried not to vomit. The paper's headline cut too close to the wall she had built to keep Oz's memory out. Quickly she dropped the paper and grabbed her coat. When she got home from the movie, Wicca greeted her at the door barking happily.

Willow wasn't happy at all though. If at all possible she felt worse then she did before she left. Tears welled up in her eyes and she felt them run down her face. The movie she saw made her think about Oz. She didn't know if she was losing her mind, or if something was really there. Willow couldn't shake the feeling that in someway he was in trouble, and the fact that she couldn't get to him just made her feel worthless.

Meanwhile, Oz was struggling again with treatment. Willow's voice was starting to fade. That was the only thing keeping him from wanting to die. One of the doctor's shook his shoulder roughly. "You get up! Since you've been with us the longest we are going to try a new study on you. Don't worry, it won't hurt a little."

Oz was hopeful for a second that he wouldn't be subjected to pain this time. However he didn't know how wrong he was. A doctor had him strip down naked and step into a closed-in box. Water started to run from a shower head and onto his back. He was starting to calm down when his entire body began to burn. The wolf inside of him wanted to kill these men and break loose. However the idea of seeing Willow again seemed to keep it at bay. He wondered if she was thinking about him at all anymore, or if she had moved on. Harvard had a lot of guys that would be perfect for his Willow. He gritted his teeth when the doctor opened the door. "So, how did that feel?"

He whimpered softly. His entire body burned. It took all the strength he had in him to not lay down and die. He closed his eyes and he heard Willow's voice clearer then ever. "Oz, don't give in baby. Keep it together. I know you can fight this. I love you."

Oz managed to smile. He might have been going through hell but at least he had an angel to guide him through it. He made a choice though. He was going to call Willow and tell her how sorry he was. He needed to hear her voice and tell her the truth.

_I'm going about my business. I'm doing fine. What would I say if I had you on the line? The same old story much to say. Hearts are broken everyday. I brush my teeth and put the cap back on. I know you hate it when I leave the light on. I pick a book up and then turn the sheets down. I take a deep breath and a good look around._

Back at Harvard, Willow brushed her hair and teeth in the bathroom. She closed her eyes and remembered how Buffy always complained about her leaving the bathroom light on. She went back in and shut it off.

After she had done that she went over to her bed picked up a book. The first one she grabbed was Call of the Wild. She didn't know why, but for some reason she had a very strong desire to read this book. She started to pull the covers down when she heard her phone ring.

She took a deep breath when she answered and heard a voice. "Willow?"

Willow gasped. "Oz? Where are you? How's work? Are you ok? You sound like you are in pain?"

Oz squeezed his eyes shut and was grateful that she couldn't see how badly hurt he really was. Once he had his bearings he answered. "Willow, I have to tell you the truth. I don't have a job. My father got me set up in a research study…. It's helping me control my werewolf side. The treatments hurt really bad Will. There are some days I just want to die. The only thing keeping me alive is the fact I'm doing it for you."

Willow felt tears running down her cheeks. Suddenly it all made sense; the news paper headline about large wolves, the feeling that Oz was in trouble. She sniffed. "Oz, I'm so sorry. Come home, please. This could kill you. I read an article in the paper that several wolves had died due to the amount of chemicals being injected into their bodies. They weren't real wolves were they? They were werewolves. Oz, you could die to. Please just come back to me."

Oz sighed. "Willow, I'm sorry, I can't. Not when there is a chance that I could hurt you. It's almost broken free while I was in treatment. I almost killed one of the doctors. I can't take the chance of you getting hurt… you getting killed. That's not something I can face not now, not ever. I'll call you tomorrow. I love you."

Willow sobbed. "What do I have to say to get you to realize how stupid this is? What do I have to do to make you see that it doesn't matter if you are tame if you die? I can't lose you. Oz please…."

The line went dead and Willow flung herself into the bed and sobbed. The hot tears of pain, fear, and anger soaked her pillow. Wicca jumped into the bed and licked her cheeks. Willow hugged the puppy and calmed down.

_I put on my pjs and hop into bed. I'm half alive but I feel mostly dead. I try and tell myself it'll be alright. I shouldn't think about it anymore tonight._

Once Willow had calmed down she got changed into her soft flannel pjs and climbed into bed. She knew she had to do something for Oz, but she couldn't do it alone. Quickly, she grabbed her cell phone and dialed Buffy's number.

Buffy answered on the first ring. "Willow, this is the second time this week. Is something the matter?"

Willow started to cry again as she told Buffy the whole story. Then she sobbed. "Buffy, if he dies, it's my fault. I should have been thinking more outside the box. I spent years living on the Hellmouth. I should have known that a treatment center where they were taming large wolves wasn't normal! Buffy, what are we going to do? I'm scared."

Buffy softly answered, "Shh. I'm going to tell you what we are going to do. First off, you are going to get some sleep. Then in the morning I will brief Giles, Anya, and Xander on what's going on. There is no point getting yourself all worked up. I'm the slayer, this is what I do. I won't let Oz die. I will get him out of that hell hole if it takes my last breath. Good night, Willow."


	5. The call

The call

_It started out as a feeling which then grew into a hope. This then turned into a quiet thought which then turned into a quiet word. Then that word grew louder and louder until it was a battle cry. I'll come back when you call me no need to say goodbye._

Willow sat in the back of Xander's car with Oz's head in her lap. He was really out of it when they got him out of there. A single tear slipped off her cheek and landed in his hair. Buffy heard her friend sniff and asked, "You ok back there? Will, I can switch seats if you need…"

Willow didn't even let Buffy finish. She didn't want to even think about letting Oz go. As if on instinct she pulled him closer to her chest. It felt right having him in her arms again. Xander smiled sadly at his childhood best friend. He was very proud of her actions today. Even though he was unresponsive and it didn't look he would make it through the night, Willow was unwilling to give up on him. Willow returned her gaze back to Oz and whispered softly through her tears, "Oz, baby, you have to wake up. You are safe now. Please wake up."

Buffy reached back and took the witch's hand. "Willow, just let him rest. I saw the chemicals they were giving him. Some of that stuff, no, all of it, was pretty intense and deadly. He's lucky to be alive. If you hadn't figured it out when you did he'd probably be dead."

Willow gasped and buried her face in her hands. "Buffy, this just isn't fair! If I had been a better girlfriend none of this would have happened!"

Buffy gently lifted her friend's face so she had to look at her. "Willow, look at me. This isn't your fault. If Oz doesn't make it, you need to understand that this isn't your fault. If he does pull through, then he has a long and painful road of recovery ahead of him. He'll need you there beside him through all of it."

Xander nodded. "When we get the hospital did you want to stay with him, Will?"

Willow bit her bottom lip and nodded. "I'll stay with him twenty-four-seven. You guys can get a hotel. I need him to know I'm here. He needs to know."

Half an hour later the three of them pulled into the parking lot of Sunnydale memorial hospital. Willow allowed Xander and Buffy to carry Oz inside, knowing full well she couldn't lift him herself. Once they were inside a nurse arranged for Oz to be seen right away.

_Just because everything is changing doesn't mean it's never been this way before. All you can do is try to know who your friends are as you head off to the war. Pick a star on the dark horizon and follow the light. You'll come back when it's over. No need to say goodbye._

The hours that Oz was being seen by a doctor seemed to tick by painfully slow. Willow paced in circles with her head in her hands. She just kept praying that everything would be alright. She couldn't see her life without Oz in it.

Just when she thought she couldn't stand another second a doctor came out. He walked over to Willow and her friends. "Oz is going to be fine. But there was a lot of swelling around his brain."

Willow took off running into the room that a nurse said Oz was in. She needed to know for herself that he was fine. Because she left the room so fast she didn't hear the doctor warn the others that he didn't remember anything about his life.

She entered the room and felt tears boiling over her eyes, but she held them back. Buffy and Xander caught up to her just as she was about to go over to the bed. Xander took Willow's hand. "Will, the doctor just told us after you left to come see him… he won't remember any of us. I'm so sorry."

Willow pulled away from Xander and went over to Oz's bed. He looked so weak and helpless with the bandages around his skull. Carefully she reached out and touched his bruised cheek. Then she began to sing, "I'll be your candle on the water. My love for you will always burn. I know you are lost and drifting. The clouds are lifting. Don't give up you have some where to turn. I'll be your candle on the water until every wave is warm and bright. My soul is there beside you. Let this candle guide you. Soon you'll see a golden stream of light. A cold and friendless tie has found you. Don't let the stormy darkness hold you down. I'll paint a ray of hope around you circling in air lighted by a prayer. I'll be your candle on the water. This flame inside of me will grow. Keep holding on you'll make it. Here's my hand so take it. Look for me reaching out to show as sure as rivers flow I'll never let you go."

Willow fell to her knees beside the bed and began to cry. Then she felt a soft hand smoothing her hair. A weak voice mumbled, "Angels shouldn't cry."

Willow opened her eyes and went to give Oz a hug, but Buffy stopped her. "Willow, go slow he might not remember you. Don't be upset if he doesn't know your name. It'll come back to him in time. I promise, Will."

Xander opened his mouth to agree with Buffy, but Willow cut him off. "Oz will remember. Can you just give me some space, please?"

Xander and Buffy left Oz and Willow alone in the room. Willow reached out and took Oz's hand. "Hey. How are you feeling?"

Oz stared at her face with a confused look in his eyes. He knew that he knew her. He wanted to know her. He wanted to be close to her. However for the life of him he couldn't recall her name or who she was to him.

Willow saw the confusion and remembered what Buffy said about going slow. She smiled kindly at him "Hello, I'm Willow Rosenberg. It's good to see you awake."

Oz smiled back at the young woman. He didn't remember but he was almost certain that he was in love with her. He opened up his mouth to tell her his name but instead what came out was. "You are very pretty."

Willow sighed and took his hand again. "Thank you. I think you should rest now."

Oz panicked. He didn't want this angel to go away. He was afraid that if he rested he would end up back with those monsters who called themselves doctors. Almost as if the angel could sense that fear she crawled into the bed with him and cradled his head to her chest.

Oz gasped at the touch and Willow started to pull her hand back, but Oz grabbed it. "Don't. You have no clue how good that feels. Please don't stop. This is going to sound crazy, but I feel like I know you. I feel like if I close my eyes you'll disappear. I don't want you to go away."

Willow moved her hand and placed it on Oz's cheek. "I'm never going to go away. Oz, I'll be here as long as you want me. I've missed you so much. God, I'm so glad you are safe."

That was when it clicked. He pulled Willow close to him and kissed her. "Willow! I missed you too. Where're Buffy and the others? You didn't try to rescue me by yourself, did you?"

Willow felt tears running down her cheeks. "You remembered. Oz…."

Oz took a lock of Willow's hair and started drying her tears. "How could I forget that voice? Willow, you mean everything to me. That voice gave me the strength to want to live. Willow, I love you so much."

Willow sniffled. "I have to let Buffy know you are awake."

Three weeks later Willow sat with Oz on the couch. She had to go back to Harvard in the morning. She didn't want let go of Oz. The two of them had spent every minute together. Willow had just started drifting back to sleep when she felt a light hand touch her arm.

She opened up her eyes and saw Tara standing in front of her. Tara stuttered, "W-Willow c-can I-I t-talk t-to y-you?"

Willow nodded and got up "Let's go into Buffy's dorm. I don't want to wake Oz. I can't believe that he's back…. I just…."

Tara smiled and stuttered, "I-I k-know. Y-you m-missed h-him, d-didn't y-you. K-knowing t-the o-one y-you l-loved w-was in-in d-danger...it-it s-scared y-you."

Willow didn't know what Tara was getting at. She wasn't even sure she wanted to know. Something in the woman's voice commanded her attention. She went upstairs to Buffy's dorm and waited for Tara to unlock the door.

When they entered the room Tara closed the door and pulled Willow over to the bed. "Listen, I know you have Oz, but… would you ever give someone else …someone like me a chance?"

Willow took a deep breath "Tara. I don't mean anything by this, but what are you talking about? You are beautiful, smart, and amazing. A guy would have to be completely mental not to love you."

Tara shook her head. "I'm not talking about a guy. I'm talking about you. Willow, I'm in love with you. I'm sorry. What am I thinking? You probably don't even like girls much less one like me."

Willow took the blonde's hand. "Tara, look at me. I don't know what I want. I mean Oz just came back. I missed him so much. Now I find out you like me. I need to be careful. Now I should head back before Oz wakes up. Keep your faith, Tara."

_Now we are back to the beginning. It's just a feeling and no one knows yet. Just because they can't feel it to doesn't mean that you have to forget. Let your memories grow stronger and stronger until there're before your eyes. You'll come back when they call you. No need to say goodbye. You'll come back when they call you. No need to say goodbye._

When Willow went downstairs Oz was sitting on the couch awake. He stared into Willow's eyes. "Willow. Where did you go? You said you wouldn't leave."

Willow smiled. "I just had to talk to Buffy. Now go to sleep."

Willow had a very strange dream that night. She was standing in a forest with Oz when a ball of bright light came of to her. When Willow reached out to touch the tiny ball it grew bigger and Tara was blocking her view of Oz. Willow ran into the blonde's arms and kissed her deeply.

When the dream was over Willow got up and went to see Tara. She didn't know what that dream meant exactly but she knew that she had very strong feelings for the woman. Willow knocked on Buffy's dorm room door not caring about the time.

Tara answered the door and yawned. "Willow, what? It's early. Is everything alright? Do you need Buffy?"

Willow shook her head. "I needed to talk to you about last night. Tara, I'd be lying if I said I didn't have feelings for you. I also can't leave Oz like this. Not after everything he did for me. He needs me to be there for him."

Tara put her finger to Willow's lips. "Shh. its ok. I understand. You also don't want your friends to know you are gay, do you? You are afraid of what they'll think. I know what that's like. Willow, you are the only one I've told. Sweetie, if they can't accept and understand our love that doesn't mean we should forget it. You and I will make memories that will grow stronger. All you have to do is to take the first step."

Willow hugged Tara tightly. "How is this for a first step? I love you. Tara, I love you more than anything. I just need to talk to Oz."


	6. goodbye to you

Goodbye to you

_Of all the things I believed in I just want to get it over with. Tears form behind my eyes but I do not cry. Counting the days that pass me by. I've been searching deep down in my soul. Words that I'm hearing are starting to get old._

Willow gently woke Oz up by shaking his shoulder. "Hey, baby, can we talk? I know its early, but..."

Sensing his girlfriend's pain, Oz kissed her forehead. "What is it, Will? I never really got the chance to thank you for saving my life... How did you know where to find me, anyway?"

Willow sniffled. "Stop, don't...do that. I can't...just...oh, never mind!"

Oz quickly pulled away from Willow and stared into her tear filled eyes. "Willow, what's the matter? You can tell me anything. I know I hurt you when I left, but I love you."

That did it for Willow, and she blurted out in between the painful sobs that wracked her body "I'm...sorry... I'm...sorry... I love Tara. I'm so sorry..."

Oz pulled his now ex-girlfriend into a gentle hug, "Hey, hey its ok. Quit blubbering for a second and listen to me."

Willow sniffled and tried to will herself to stop crying. After a few minutes she took a deep breath and rested her head on Oz's shoulder. Oz then sighed. "I figured something like this would happen. I knew you would meet someone better. Someone who wasn't a werewolf, someone who wouldn't hurt you ever. Granted, I'd hoped it would never be a girl, but if you are happy, I'm happy."

Willow relaxed noticeably upon hearing Oz's words. Suddenly Oz groaned and closed his eyes. "Willow, can you help me lie down? My back really hurts."

Willow nodded but then thought better of it. "Come upstairs with me. We need to get you laying flat on a bed. Can you walk if I help you?"

Oz shook his head. "Just help me lay back here. Tara probably won't want me in her room. Buffy still wants to kill me for leaving like that. Xander said you were in pretty rough shape."

Willow's voice softened when she saw how guilty Oz felt. "No. Buffy doesn't want to kill you. Yeah she was mad at first... but she wants you to get better. I want you to get better. Oz, please just come and lie down. Tara and Buffy won't mind. I'll talk to them first. I promise."

Just then Tara came downstairs. "Tell me what, baby? Oh, I should leave you two alone. You and Oz must have a lot to talk about."

Willow watched her girlfriend run out of the room and felt tears fall down her cheeks. Oz mumbled under his breath, "Touchy witch, isn't she?"

Willow slapped Oz across the face. "Don't you dare! Tara is upset. You don't know anything about her and you sure as hell don't know me! So just shut up!"

When Willow finally found her girlfriend the blonde witch was sitting in the library crying into her hands. Willow went over and lightly touched her arm. "Honey, what you saw didn't mean anything. I don't have feelings for Oz anymore. I meant what I said last night. I do love you. Tara, look at me."

Tara looked up and sniffled. "You really love him, Willow. I can see it. I'm not mad. I really don't care. He's better for you. Just go to him and leave me alone."

Willow sighed. "I'd be lying to myself if I did. If I left you alone Tara, I'd be walking out on the one person I could ever love. Don't ask me to do that."

Tara stared into Willow's brown eyes with her unblinking red rimmed blue ones. She then stuttered, "Y-you m-mean it, W-Willow? I-I'm s-sorry, b-baby."

Willow smiled. "Tara, I meant every word."

_Feels like I'm starting all over again the last three years were just pretend. I said goodbye to you. Goodbye to everything that I knew. You were the one I loved the one that I tried to hold on to._

That night, before Willow went to go to her hotel, Tara grabbed her hand. "You go back tonight, don't you? Share a dorm with a bunch of other girls? You'll forget all about me."

Willow shook her head. "No, I won't. I plan on coming back to Sunnydale University. I just have to go back and finish the first half of the semester. I feel like I'm starting over again. My relationship with Oz was something, but he wasn't what I needed."

Tara saw a small tear slip down Willow's cheek and hugged her close. "I'll be here when you get back. I love you. Can you handle going to school with him? Buffy told me why you left. He broke your heart and you needed to get away. Is that true?"

Willow nodded sadly. "Yeah, I loved him and he broke my heart. I saved his life and he just insulted you and I told him to get lost. That's it, it's over..."

Tara sighed and kissed her girlfriend's cheek. "Baby, it's never truly over. I know how it goes. Someone hurts you badly and you want to say goodbye, but you can't. You and Oz have a history. I can't just step in and expect it to go away. Three years is a long time. Take all the time you need."

Later, Willow went to talk to Buffy. The slayer pulled her friend into her arms. "Why is Oz packing his things? Did you two have a fight? I didn't stop running patrol so you two could fight again. He's hurt, Will. If he leaves, he'll die. I'm not joking. His brain is still very swollen. The chemicals they used will be having an effect on him for months. He needs you to take care of him."

Willow's mouth dropped open. "Buffy, I told him I wasn't in love with him anymore. I just couldn't lie anymore... The truth is, there is someone else. Buffy, what am I going to do?"

Buffy shook her head. "Will, you have to make a choice. Oz has made his, now you need to keep beating him around the bush. You cried and begged for him to come home and now you are telling him you don't love him. That is breaking his heart and now he's running. You ran from your heartache, and now he's running from his. Talk to him, Willow. Convince him that you still do care about him. You do, right?"

Willow nodded "Of course I do. Oz is a very important person in my life. I will always love him, but I'm not love with him anymore. Someone new has stolen my heart... don't ask who though, okay?"

Buffy nodded. "Now, go get your crazy werewolf before he gets himself killed. You know you can tell me who your knew love interest is, right? I won't laugh at you. I won't steal him. I promise."

Willow blushed. "Buffy, that's just it. It's not a him. Her name is Tara. I fell in love with your roommate. I know that's awkward. I promise it wasn't my doing. She talked to me while Oz was asleep and I just fell for her."

_I used to get lost in your eyes. Now it seems that I can't live a day without you. Closing my eyes and you chase the thoughts away. You take me to a place where I am blinded by the light and its not right. It hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time. I want what's yours and I want what's mine. I want you but I'm not giving in this time. As the stars fall I will lie awake because you are my shooting star._

Willow ran from the dorm room and found Oz struggling to walk down the stairs with his suitcases. He groaned in pain, sweat and tears mixing on his cheeks. Softly she said, "Oz, please sit down. Talk to me for a minute. Why are you leaving? Look at me."

Oz sniffled. "This is just so hard. Willow, I went through hell and back for you, and then you fall in love with Tara. I don't understand why... tell me why..."

Willow cupped Oz's face in her hands. "Sit, you are straining yourself. There, that's better. Think this through and understand please. I do love you and that's why I told you the truth. I can't lie to the people I love. Oz, when you left I was heart broken and depressed. Tara had just transferred two days before I left. She dorms with Buffy. Talking to her for just five minutes the night I brought you home, I realized I loved her."

Oz nodded slowly. "I understand, Willow. I know what happens when you meet the one person you could spend forever with. I'm sorry. I just can't stay and watch it happen. I can't stand around and let you walk into someone else's arms. I love you, Willow. I have always loved you. Leaving was the hardest thing I've ever done. I'm sorry, but I just can't."

Willow hugged Oz gently and kissed his cheek gently. It was too late, before she could stop herself, she was making out with her ex. Tears streamed freely down her cheeks and Oz just rubbed her back in circles. He didn't tell her that it was alright. He didn't tell her to stop. The truth was their relationship was anything but ok. He didn't want to be the one to say it though.

Finally Willow broke out of her trance and sniffled. "I'm so sorry. Oz, I can't do this anymore. I can't..."

Oz was confused. "Willow, what can't you do? Can't kiss me? Can't talk to me? What..?"

Willow only shook her head. "Nothing. I can't see you anymore. I can't even talk to you. This... us... that kiss... that is all wrong. I'm lying to Tara. This... this is what she is afraid of. Being used and lied to. She doesn't think anyone will ever truly love her Oz... I can't hurt her anymore. I just can't. I will always love you... I will never forget the changes that you made in my life, but sadly I have to forget you. Oz, I can't love you anymore. So just stay away from me. I'm sorry."

Oz stared at Willow, tears threatening to fall from his eyes. He wanted her to be happy and if staying away was what had to happen he would do it gladly. He pulled her to him for one last hug, ignoring the pain his back as he did so. "Goodbye Willow, you are my shooting star."


	7. I'm yours

**I'm yours**

_You touch these tired eyes of mine. You map my face out line by line. Somehow growing old feels fine. I listen close because I'm not smart. You wrap your thoughts in works of art. They are hanging on the walls of my heart._

Willow sat on her bed watching Tara sleep. They had been together for a month now. Gently she shook the blonde's shoulder. "Baby, you need to wake up."

Tara sleepily mumbled, "Give the sugar to the squirrels. Muffins take over the oceans."

Willow smiled and ran her fingers over Tara's face. "Leave the muffins and come back to me. You big faker; I know you are awake."

Tara opened her eyes. "Good morning, Willow. When did your flight get in?"

Willow groaned. "Too late. I think it was around three in the morning by the time I got out of the cab. I just wanted to let you know I was back while you were awake. You were sitting up waiting for me when I got in, but you were so out of it you thought you were dreaming."

Tara smiled brightly, all traces of sleep gone from her eyes. "Willow, Buffy wants to talk to you. She said it's important."

Willow went across the hall to her best friend's room and knocked on the door. "Buffy? Tara said you needed to speak to me."

The slayer answered the door and pulled the redhead into a tight hug. "Willow, I've missed you. How was your flight? Did you get in alright?"

The witch smiled at her friend. "I've missed you too. The flight was a little rough and delayed, but I got here safe and unharmed at three in the morning. God, I'm so tired. What did you need, Buff?"

Buffy sniffed softly. "Oz had a bit of a turn for the worst after you left again. He had a fever and was moaning nonsense. I took him to the hospital and he's not getting any better. I'm sorry Will, I really am."

The witch's voice shook as she sobbed, "Buffy, he'll be okay, right? Buffy, tell me he's going to be okay!"

Xander heard the commotion. "Willow, what's the matter? Buffy, you didn't tell her about a certain werewolf, did you? Come here, Willow. Oz is going to be fine. Shh. Oz wouldn't want you to be sad."

Willow sniffed and wiped her eyes. "I never should have told him about Tara. That's what made him get sick. I'm an awful person."

Xander sighed. "No, Willow this isn't your fault. We can take you to see him if you promise to stay calm. He kept thinking Buffy was you and saying he loved you. That you would be his sister if you weren't his girlfriend."

Willow swallowed and blinked back tears. Finally she answered, "I need to see him, Xander. Thanks for letting me know."

Willow went back to her room and fell onto her and Tara's bed sobbing. The blonde witch crept over to her and touched her shoulder. "Baby, what's the matter?"

Willow sobbed, "Oz is sick. He's in the hospital. He may be dying. Buffy just told me. This is my fault."

Tara smoothed out the redhead's hair and lifted her chin so she had to meet her gaze. "No, Willow. This isn't your fault. You had to go back to school Listen to me Willow, if he dies you need to understand he won't blame you."

Willow sniffled and stood up. Tara wrapped her arms around her and kissed her tears away. Then Willow whispered, "I'm so scared right now. I don't know what to do, Tara."

Tara sighed. "Sit beside his bed and hold his hand. Let him know you care. Let him know that his baby sister is there beside him. He loves you Willow, it's easy to figure out."

Willow nodded and got dressed. "What would I ever do without you? I'm pretty stupid when it comes to matters of the heart. Your words give me strength when I feel lost and alone."

Tara kissed Willow and murmured, "I'm not much, but I am you know…."

Willow blinked. "You are what? Tara you can tell me."

Tara finished. "Yours."

Willow smiled. "Your love is enough for me. I love you Tara."

_I may not have the softest touch. I may not say the words as such. Though I may not look like much I'm yours. Though my edges may be rough I never feel I'm quite enough; it may not seem like very much but I'm yours._

When Willow came back from seeing Oz she was emotionally and physically drained. He looked terrible and could barely keep his eyes open. Tara was sitting at the desk practicing a spell. She took one look at her girlfriend and ran into her arms. "Willow, Oz will be fine I'm sure of it. Here drink this, I was saving it for something but I think you need it more."

Willow swallowed the drink and sputtered, "God that was awful. What on earth did you have me drink, Tara!"

The blonde witch's eyes filled with tears. "It was a potion to heal and strengthen a broken heart. I've been working on it all day. I guess I'm just not as good a witch as you are… I-I'm sorry."

Willow sighed, "Tara that's not true. You are a great witch. You were just a little off on something. Let me read the book. Tara? Don't cry baby. I was just a little short tempered. I love you. Remember what you told me – this is the room. You don't have to be afraid here. Talk to me, Tara."

Tara took a deep breath to stop crying and then said sadly, "I messed up. My mom was teaching me magic from the time I was three and I messed this simple potion up. You wouldn't have. Yours would have turned out perfect."

Willow wrapped her arms around the blonde witch. "Tara, I've messed up a lot. Magic is hard to control. Let me take a look at the spell book. I'll help you fix this."

Tara grabbed the spell book from the dresser and handed it to her girlfriend. Willow instantly recognized the mistake. "Tara, come here a minute. I'm betting the problem is you used roses instead of lilies. I want you to perform the spell again and this time with lilies. That's why it was bitter tasting. Why didn't you tell me what it was? You scared me for a minute."

Tara made the potion again and Willow drank it. "Much better, baby girl. Now I'm really tired. Come up here and sit with me please."

Tara sat down and stroked her girlfriend's red hair. "I know what you need. There is no better cure for a broken heart then snuggling. That's my girl. Everything will be better in the morning."

Willow snuggled into her girlfriend's side and whimpered softly. She knew things were quite far from being alright. Wicca sensed her discomfort and whined, begging to be let on the bed. Willow picked her head up and whispered, "Come. Good girl. You aren't a scared little puppy anymore, are you? You've grown into a big, brave girl. I'm so proud of my Wicca."

Tara stirred in Willow's arms. "Oh, this is the little dog Buffy was telling me about. I didn't know you like dogs. I have a cat at home that I left with a neighbor. Would you mind if I brought her with me after break? Her name is Miss Kitty. She's black kitten with white spots. She's real sweet."

Willow hugged Wicca tight and then answered. "Yeah, cats are fine. I love kittens."

Tara smiled before she fell asleep. "I love you too Willow. You are my always."

_You've healed these scars over time. Embraced my soul and loved my mind. You are the only angel in my life. The bad news came. My best friend died. My knees went weak and you saw me cry. Say I'm still the solider in your eyes._

Tara was there for Willow every step of the way. When she would come home after visiting Oz with Buffy and Xander she was always there with a warm hug and a cup of hot tea made from rose hips. Then she would sit beside her and just let her cry until she felt better.

Three days later Willow came back from walking Wicca and saw the answering machine light blinking. She hit play. The message was from Xander. "Willow, when you get this call Buffy's cell phone. It's about Oz. I'm not going to lie to you. It's not good. Just call Buffy, she'll explain."

Willow's hands shook as she dialed her best friend's cell number. Buffy answered the phone and tried to keep her voice even. She couldn't bring herself to tell her friend that Oz was dead. Finally she couldn't put it off any longer. "Willow, Oz he didn't make it. He slipped into a deep coma in the night and they could get him to wake up. I'm so sorry. Willow, did you want to come over for coffee or something and just talk?"

Willow's voice shook. "Buffy, I just need to be alone right now. I'm sorry… I… I."

Buffy heard the sobs in her friend's voice. "Will, Oz wasn't in any pain. He just went to sleep and didn't wake up. He wasn't confused or scared. I promise."

Willow was only slightly comforted by her friend's words. She felt like she was in some other world. She hung up the phone and crawled over to her bed. Tara heard her girlfriend crying and climbed up next to her. "Baby? What's the matter? Why aren't you visiting Oz?"

Willow sniffled. "He's gone. Oz…. is gone. Tara, I'll never hear him sing again. I'll never hear him talk about music. He's gone."

Tara sighed and kissed her girlfriend's cheek. "Willow, I'm sorry, honey. Do you want something to drink? I can go get ice cream."

The redhead wiped a tear from her cheek. "No."

Tara didn't know what to do. She had never seen her girlfriend so sad. It pained her to see Willow's eyes welled up with tears. Softly she whispered, "Honey, Oz is still with you. He always will be."

Willow sniffled sadly. "I'm sorry Tara. I'm being such a baby."

Tara hugged the redhead. "No you aren't. I know how much you loved Oz. He was your world for a long time. Those feelings aren't going to go away just because he's gone. I don't expect them to. You are being very brave. Be strong like the Amazon River. I'll be with you every step of the way. I love you."

Willow sat up. "Thanks baby. I feel better now."

Tara nodded. "I'm going to make you a cup of tea. You just try and relax."

_I may not have the softest touch. I may not say the words as such. Though I may not look like much I'm yours. Though my edges may be rough I never feel I'm quite enough. It might not seem like very much but I'm yours._

The day of Oz's memorial was a nightmare for Willow. She couldn't think. Tara had to drag her out of bed. Once she got out of bed Tara turned on a hot shower for her girlfriend and kissed her forehead. "Strong like an Amazon. Repeat it after me, sweetie."

Willow repeated after her girlfriend and got into the shower. When it was about an hour before they had to leave Tara heard the sound of her girlfriend throwing up. She knocked on the bathroom door. "Honey, you feeling alright? Is it just stress? Or are you feeling sick?"

Willow swiped a hand across her mouth and then moaned, "I don't know what's wrong with me. I felt fine earlier and then I got out of the shower and well you know the rest."

Tara sighed and handed the redhead a glass of cold water "Here, sweetie just rinse your mouth out. You feel any better?"

Willow shook her head. "My stomach feels queasy. I don't think its stress. I haven't had my period since before Oz left me. Oh my God! Tara I could be pregnant!"

Tara turned away from Willow. "Have fun raising that furry problem alone!"

Willow's mouth gaped open. "Tara? I didn't cheat on you. If I'm pregnant it's from before I even started dating you. Would you just look at me for God's sake?"

Tara stalked out of the bathroom with tears running down her cheeks. She then sat on the bed and sobbed into her hands. Willow sat beside her girlfriend. "Honey, what's the matter?"

Tara sniffled. "I'm afraid of losing you. This baby will be a part of Oz and you might start to regret that he or she won't have a father figure in their life. I should have just said something."

Willow hugged her. "You are my always. Like you said, I'm not much, but I am yours. I just didn't know how to say it before. Tara I love you. Now, help me get dressed and we will figure out if I'm expecting later."

Tara smiled. "You will make a great mom. I just know you will. Now, do you want the one with lace or not?"

Willow sighed and took the dress Tara held in her left hand. "Oz would have loved to see me in the lace. I'll wear this one. Could you do the buttons up the back?"

Tara stepped behind her. "Okay you are all buttoned up. I'll go get dressed and meet you, Buffy, and Xander at the car. It'll be okay, sweetie."


	8. amazing

**Amazing**

_The morning cold and rainy dark before the dawn could come. How long in twilight waiting, longing for the raising sun. You came like crashing thunder breaking through these walls of stone. You came with wide eyed wonder into all that's great unknown._

After Oz's funeral Willow stood in the bathroom holding a pregnancy test strip in her shaking hand. Tara called from outside, "Now, just set it on the edge of the sink and we will find out in about five to ten minutes. It'll be ok. I'm behind you either way."

Willow didn't have the strength to answer her. Tears fell down her cheeks and she couldn't stop them.

As much she loved Tara she wished that Oz was there to hold her hand. Tara saw the tell-tale tears and took her hands. "I'm here, honey. Willow, you will get through this- we will get through this. Be strong, baby girl. I promise I have your back."

Willow sniffled and buried her face in the crook of her girlfriend's neck. "Oh God, Tara. I'm scared. I've never been so scared in all my life."

Tara kissed her girlfriend's temples. "It'll be okay, sweetie. I promise. I will help you. Giles and Buffy will help you, Xander and Anya- well their intentions will be to help you. Now are you ready to take a look at the test?"

Willow gulped. "I'm ready. Wait, just promise me one thing… promise me no matter what this says you are still mine."

Tara hugged her. "Yeah, I'm still here, baby. Now, pink plus you are a mom. Blue minus means no. Either way I love you."

Willow took the stick in her hand and stared at it with her mouth hanging open. "Shit! I'm having- I'm going to be… a mother!"

Tara felt the redhead's body shaking and hugged her tighter. "Willow, this is great news! This is a part of Oz you get to keep- never forget that. Now I'll go call the doctor. You get into bed and get comfortable. I love you."

Willow nodded and climbed into bed. Her hair was soaked with sweat and tears of fear and happiness coursed down her face. She took a hand and placed it on her stomach. "Oh, my little one. Your daddy would have been so proud of you. You are going to be mommy's greatest gift. I love you."

Tara came back into the bedroom. "I called the doctor and you have an appointment with an OBGYN on Thursday. You'll get to see the first picture of the little one. You are so lucky."

The redhead kissed her girlfriend's cheek. "Tara, you are going to have a hand in this too. I can't do this alone. I'd lose my mind."

Tara snuggled closer to her girlfriend. "Thank you, Willow."

Wicca ran around in circles, barking excitedly. Tara laughed, "You silly girl. You get to be a big sister. Willow, I'll be right back. I just need to talk to Giles about something. We need to find out if the baby will phase during the full moons. If he or she will then we need to take precautions depending on your due date."

Willow nodded and shifted into a more comfortable position on the bed. As she drifted to sleep she saw images of herself holding a beautiful baby girl. She ran her fingertips in circles on her stomach. "I can't wait until I hear you cry for the first time. Your daddy would have loved you so much. Momma is never going to let anything hurt you, ever."

_Hush now don't you be afraid. I promise you I'll always stay. I'll never be that far away. I'm right here with you. You're so amazing. You shine like the stars. You're so amazing the beauty you are. You came blazing right into my heart. You're so amazing you are._

Meanwhile Tara was talking to Giles about Willow's pregnancy. She didn't want Willow to be in any danger from the child. Giles took his glasses off and cleaned them before answering. "Tara, I'm sorry to say this but the child will phase during full moons. All of the research I've done points to that."

Tara sighed. "Will she…be okay?"

Giles put his glasses back on and stared into the blonde witch's frightened blue eyes. "She will be fine. Tara, this child that Willow is carrying will only be half werewolf. The other half will have Willow's magical skills. There is no greater magic then the strength of love between a mother and her child. Willow is a powerful witch anyway but once that child is born if the two of them practice together then she will become a force to be reckoned with."

Tara nodded and let out a breath she didn't even know she had been holding. She was relived to know that the baby wouldn't place her girlfriend in harm's way. The only nerve on her mind now was how she was going to be able to help Willow throughout the next nine months. This child, no matter how much she loved it, would never be hers.

The watcher sensed Tara's distress and placed his hand on her shoulder. "Tara, Willow choose you. She will always, always love you."

On Thursday Willow rolled out of bed before Tara had even stirred. Quickly she sprinted to the bathroom. She hoped that her morning sickness wouldn't wake up her girlfriend. She had no such luck though. After the third time retching over the toilet bowl she felt cool hands holding her hair back. Willow lifted her head slowly so she could avoid being sick again. Tara spoke softly, "The baby being rough on you again, honey? Here, let me get you something to rinse your mouth. Do you think you are going to be sick again?"

Willow shook her head and then took the glass of water from her girlfriend. Then she remembered. "I have a doctor's appointment to find out how the baby is doing. Will you go with me, honey?"

Tara helped the redhead off the floor and smiled. "Wouldn't miss it for the world. Your appointment isn't until twelve thirty–five so back to bed with you. You haven't slept properly in days. It's only two in the morning. Baby, you need your rest."

Willow sighed as she took a sip of her water. She hated waking Tara up so early in the morning. She was excited about the baby but worried that it was coming between her and Tara. She turned away from the blonde witch and went into the bedroom. Wicca lifted her head from her paws and yawned. She seemed to want to know why everyone was up so early. The redhead pulled the collie into her lap and tried to go to sleep.

When Tara came back from the bathroom she saw Willow with the dog curled up in her arms and she had a worried look on her face. Tara lightly put her hand on her girlfriend's shoulder. "Honey, I know you are awake. You want to talk about it?"

Willow sniffed. "Tara, I'm sorry that I'm putting a strain on you. You've been so patient; I'm just afraid that once the baby is born you might not want to be with me."

Tara kissed her girlfriend's temple. "Sweetie, I will never stop being there for you. Now, get some sleep. I love you and I'm sure that I will love this baby too."

Willow snuggled into Tara's side. "Thank you, baby. There's one thing that's been eating at me - what did Giles say when you asked about him or her being a werewolf?"

The blonde witch swallowed and answered, "Well, yes, but he or she will be able to do magic to. They will only be half werewolf. The moon won't affect them as much. Now, enough chatter. Get some sleep."

Later that day Willow and Tara were in the hospital waiting room waiting for a doctor. The blonde witch rubbed circles on her girlfriend's hand. "So, what are you hoping for boy or girl?"

Willow kissed her girlfriend's cheek. "A girl. Oz would have wanted a boy though. Either way I'll be happy as long as he or she is healthy and happy."

Just then a nurse called out. "Willow Rosenberg, a doctor will see you now."

Willow and Tara stood up and followed the woman into the examining room. The nurse who introduced herself as Abigail took Willow's height, weight, temperature, and blood pressure. Then she led both women into the room and helped Willow get onto the exam table and handed her a gown to change into.

About two minutes later a woman came in and shook both of their hands. She smiled, "Good afternoon, ladies. I'm Doctor Keller, but you can call me Lisa. So, which one of you lovely ladies are going to be the proud momma?"

Willow raised her hand and then asked, "When do I get to see my baby?"

Doctor Lisa laughed. "In a minute. I just need you to answer some simple questions for me. When was the date of your last menstrual cycle?"

Willow closed her eyes and tried to hold back tears. "About a month before my boyfriend left me. I thought it just because of stress. Then earlier this week I had morning sickness."

Doctor Lisa nodded and wrote things down on her clip board. Then she asked, "How bad has the morning sickness been? I can write you a prescription to ease the nausea."

Willow started to answer but she suddenly groaned and clutched her stomach. Tara was out of her chair and by her side in a second. "Do you feel sick, baby?"

Willow started to answer but ended up vomiting on the floor. The blonde witch stroked her girlfriend's hair and whispered soothing words to her. Willow couldn't help herself she leaned into Tara's shoulder and sobbed uncontrollably. Doctor Lisa filled a cup with cold water for Willow to rinse out her mouth and then put her arm around her. "Sweetie, it's ok. Morning sickness is awful, I know it is. It's a good thing though. It means the baby is growing. Now do you want to see the little one?"

Willow sniffled and wiped her eyes. "Yes, I do. All I can say is this better be a healthy baby."

The doctor put cold jelly on her stomach and then moved the probe wand over it. A few seconds later she smiled. "Well, they've followed one of your conditions. Both babies are healthy…."

Tara cut Doctor Lisa off. "Wait, did you say babies? Babies as in twins?"

Willow's mouth fell open. "Show me the babies."

Doctor Lisa nodded towards the screen and pointed to the two strangely formed shapes on the monitor "Here's baby number one. Right there on the far left is baby number two. Now did you want to know the sex?"

Willow looked at Tara for help and then asked, "Do you think Oz would have wanted to know?"

Tara sighed. "Honey, do you want to know if your babies will be boys or girls?"

Willow took a deep breath. "Yes, I would like to know."

Nurse Lisa looked closer and said with a smile on her face, "Congrats, Willow you are having a girl and boy. Everything looks very good. Just keep doing what you are doing and take these prenatal vitamins. I'll see you in four weeks."

_You came from heaven breath shinning. Breath of God still flows fresh on you. The beating heart inside me crumbled at this one so new. No matter where or how far you wander for a thousand years of longer. I will always be there for you. I'm right here with you._

The next few weeks were very hard for Willow and Tara. The morning sickness kept Willow up most of the night. Her food cravings were also very strange. She craved everything from chewing gum and peanuts to chocolate and mangos.

One night Willow woke Tara up and whined, "I want a chocolate and mango smoothie."

Tara yawned. "Can it wait until morning, baby girl?"

Willow's moods her also been very extreme lately due to hormones, she turned away from Tara and snapped, "Fine if you won't help I'll just make it myself!"

Willow sat up to get out of bed and noticed that Tara was crying. "Honey, was it something I said? Tara, come on, what's wrong?"

Tara wiped her eyes. "It's nothing, now let's just get your smoothie and then you back into bed."

Tara made Willow her smoothie and then tucked her back into bed. Since she was almost into her second month of pregnancy the morning sickness was a lot less now and she was sleeping through the night most of the time.

A few months later Willow was lying in bed when she felt a painful twinge in her lower abdomen. She ignored it at first but a few minutes later it came back with a force so strong she cried out, "Tara! The babies are coming!"

Tara sat up with a start, her voice was tight with panic, "It's a month and two days early! They can't come now! Be sensible honey, you can't have those babies now."

Willow gasped as another contraction hit and she grasped the bedpost to keep from screaming. Once it passed she answered, "The babies aren't going to wait! Tara, when babies are ready they come, now call the doctor and then hold me."

Tara used her cell phone and called Doctor Lisa. After about two minutes the blonde witch helped her girlfriend into the car. "Easy honey. Doctor Lisa says this just might be your body preparing for what's to come. It could just be false labor. She also said that if the babies are born now they will be fine. Just stay calm and start your breathing."

Willow took slow deep breathes just like she had done in birthing class. The breathing calmed her and she focused on her girlfriend's face. "I can't wait to see my babies."

Tara kissed her girlfriend's sweaty forehead. "I can't wait either sweetie. Now just relax."

Just as they pulled into the hospital parking lot Willow was hit with another painful contraction. She bit her tongue to keep from crying out. Doctor Lisa met them inside and led them into a private delivery room. Worry creased Tara's beautiful face. "I told you I would hate this part, right? I told you I wouldn't like you being in pain."

Willow's breath hitched as another contraction hit this one more painful then the others. Tara looked at one of the nurses and almost screamed at her, "Get her an epidural! Can't you see that she is in pain?"

Doctor Lisa came in and put her hand on Tara's shoulder. "Honey she can have the epidural once she is seven centimeters dilated. Right she's at four now. She'll be ready to deliver at ten centimeters. Just stay calm. I'll send a nurse in to check again in a few minutes."

When Willow had been finally given pain meds she smiled at Tara. Tara asked, "You feel better, honey?"

Willow smiled. "I feel nothing below my waist right now. I feel pretty good. What do you think I should name the babies?"

Tara smiled. "I like the name Kathy. What names are you thinking about for the boy?"

Willow sighed, and sniffed softly, "I want to name him after his father."

Tara smiled and kissed her girlfriend's hair. "That's sounds great, baby. I bet he'd be really proud of you. You've been so brave. Will you be ok by yourself for a minute? I forgot to call Buffy and the others. I was just so worried about you."

Twelve hours later Tara was told that Willow was fully dilated and ready to push. She stood beside her girlfriend's bed and held her hand. Doctor Lisa instructed calmly, "Willow, the next contraction I'm going to count to ten and then you are going to push. Can you do that for me, sweetie?"

Willow nodded and closed her eyes. Everything seemed to blur in front of her. Instead of Tara holding her hand it was Oz. She didn't hear the blonde witch's soft voice. Instead she heard a slightly rough but still comforting voice whisper, "Make sure my kids get to know their dad, okay? I like the name Matthew. Don't force my name onto our son. He doesn't need to have a shadow over him."

Willow snapped back to reality when she heard a sharp baby cry. She opened her eyes when Tara said, "Here's your son, Willow. He looks so perfect."

Willow stared into her son's beautiful hazel eyes and whispered, "Welcome to the world. I'm your mommy. That woman over there is your momma Tara."

Tara took the little boy from Willow just before another contraction hit. Six minutes later Tara handed Willow her little girl wrapped in a pink blanket. Willow kissed her daughter's forehead, "Hello my sweet girl. I'm your momma. I'm going to hand you to your momma Tara for just a minute. I want to see your brother."

The nurse handed Willow her son and then said, "So, have you figured out any names?"

Willow nodded her head. "Kathy Joyce Maclay and Matthew Oz Mclay."

The nurse wrote the names down and then left them alone. Tara moved closer to her girlfriend bouncing Kathy on her hip. "I think this little one is hungry. Do you want to breast or bottle feed?"

Willow thought for a second. "Both. I want them to bond with you to. It's important that they love momma Tara. Honey, what's the matter?"

Tara sighed. "I just never thought you'd want me to help more than what I did. I thought you'd start dating again. I thought you'd feel guilty and try and give these kids a father and that I'd be forced to watch some man put his hands on you."

Willow laughed. "Tara, I love you so much. No man will ever take me away from you. Okay, maybe Matt has a piece of my heart now too, but he and Xander are the only ones."

_I hope your tears are few and fast. I hope your dreams come true at last. I hope you find love that goes on and on. I hope you wish on every star. I hope you never fall too far. I hope this world can see how wonderful you are._

The babies had now been home for two weeks now. The gang had chipped in and bought them a crib and clothes. Buffy had brought over bottles and a blanket for each of them. One night Willow was putting Matthew to bed when he started to squirm and cry in her arms. She hugged him close and whispered, "What's the matter sleepy head? Are you hungry? Yeah that it, momma Willow will make it better. Don't cry, sweetie."

Just then Tara came into the bedroom with a sleeping Kathy in her arms, "I finally got her to get some sleep. She was really fussy tonight. Did Matt go to sleep for you? Honey, you look really sleepy. Why don't you go to bed, I'll put Matt down and be right up."

Willow nodded and yawned. "He's just hungry; a bottle is warmed on the stove. Thanks baby."

Tara took the child from the redhead and kissed his reddish-blonde hair. Softly she crooned to him, "Why must you make things so hard on your mommies, huh? Let's go get you a bottle and then hopefully to sleep. That's a good boy. Just close your eyes. Momma Tara loves you."

Matthew yawned and snuggled into her arms. She smiled down at him and grabbed a bottle. He fell asleep after drinking half of it. Then Tara carefully and quietly carried both babies into the nursery. Before she placed them in their cribs she whispered, "Someday the world is going to see how special you kids are. No matter what I'm always going to be with you. Both momma Willow and I will be. I love you."


	9. there for you

I will be there for you

_**When I lost faith you believed in me. When I stumbled you were right there. For every act of love you've done I owe you one. There were hard times I know I survived just because you stayed by my side.**_

**Willow sat in a rocking chair with her head in her hands. One of the Dingo's songs played on the radio. It was the twins first birthday and Matthew had just said his first word. He had been playing with Xander and when Xander rolled the ball to him he giggled and said, "Dada"**

**That simple word made her feel two different emotions at once. On the one had she was very proud of her son and wanted to pick him up and kiss him. On the other she felt like crying because her children would never have a daddy. Tara was a major figure in their lives but she couldn't fill that void.**

**She started to pull herself together when she heard a knock on the nursery door. Xander walked over to his childhood friend and put his arm on her shoulder. "Willow, I'm sorry. I wasn't expecting him to call me daddy. I really wasn't."**

**The redhead sighed. "Xander, stop it. I'm sorry I should be out there with my kids, not moping about something I have no control over. I just wish he would have said momma. Then I wouldn't have to think about…"**

**Xander laughed without humor. "Willow, you've been through hell. No one here thinks any less of you for wanting a little time to mope. Buffy just sent me to make sure you were okay. If you want me to leave then I'll go…"**

**Willow pressed a finger to her friend's lips. "I don't want you to go. You are the only one who actually understands where I'm coming from. Out of everyone in the gang, even after Tara joined us, I always knew I could trust you."**

**Xander sighed and stood up. "Stop this. If something happens, you and I both know we will regret it. We tried once and it nearly cost me my best friend. I can't, won't face that again. You are hurting and are going through a hard time. I know and I get it, but trying to sleep with me isn't going to provide comfort… so just stop, Willow. Stop before people we love get really hurt."**

**Willow frowned. "You are right, Xander. I'm only going to end up hurting Tara. I don't want to do that. Could you sit with me for a minute? I really need a friend right now."**

**Xander smiled sadly and opened his arms to the witch. "Come here."**

**Willow sat on the edge of the bed and wrapped her arms around Xander. The tears that she had been holding back all day poured in rivers down her cheeks. Xander just held her in his arms, making her feel safe in secure, then he did something he had only done one other time before - he kissed Willow. Suddenly he heard a voice snap, "How could you? Xander, you promised me that there was nothing between you and her! If I was still a demon I'd… I'd… I'd… well I don't know!"**

**Xander pulled away from the redhead and he felt terrible when he saw Anya and Tara standing outside the door. Anya looked like she wanted to kill someone and Tara had tears streaming down her face.**

**He took a deep breath. "Ahn, honey this isn't what it looks like. Yes, I kissed her...but it didn't mean anything. It was just a kiss. I would never hurt you… You mean everything to me."**

**Anya screamed, "How dare you, Xander Harris! Get away from me!"**

**Tara stared heart brokenly at her girlfriend. "Tell me this isn't true."**

**Willow sighed. "Tara, honey… I didn't w… I mean… he kissed me…. I love you. Somewhere inside you have to… believe that."**

**Tara sobbed. "I did once. I never doubted that until now. I'm leaving."**

**Willow's mouth gaped open. She couldn't believe what had just happened. Xander felt the witch's tears on his arm and pulled her close. "Will, she'll come around. You two love each other. Just have a little bit of faith. Come on Willow, I know you remember. It was your favorite movie."**

**Willow sniffled. "All it takes is faith and trust and a little bit of pixie…. Xander what am I going to do?"**

**Xander squeezed his friend's shoulder. "It's going to be okay. Tara was just upset. You didn't do anything wrong. I'll explain that I was the one who kissed you once everyone and everything has settled down."**

**Willow rested her head on Xander's shoulder. "Thank you. Xander, you have no idea how much that means to me. After Oz died Tara tried to help but she just didn't seem to understand. You've always been there for me and Buffy. You might not have had magical powers or been a chosen one, but you were something so much more important. You were the solid rock. You kept us standing...you don't know how much it means to us…but what it means to me… I love you."**

**Xander kissed the witch's temple. "This is habit forming for us, isn't it? We end up alone in a room and then kiss and tell each other we love the other person. It ends up putting strain on our friendship and we decide it's not worth the risk. At least this time we don't need to worry about a vengeance demon. Oh God, Anya only stopped because of me. Willow, if we end up in a vampire controlled world where Buffy doesn't exist again…"**

**Willow put her finger to her friend's lips. "Shh… I think I hear Buffy coming with the kids."**

**Xander hugged Willow one more time and moved to sit in the rocking chair across from the witch so Buffy didn't ask questions. The slayer was carrying Matthew and Kathy, and Kathy was squirming in her arms and crying.**

**Willow stood up and took the whimpering baby from her friend. "What's got my little tiger kitten all upset, hmm? Shh… mommy's got you, mommy Willow's got you."**

**Xander smiled as she watched Willow sit down and sooth her baby. It just seemed natural for her. He went over to Buffy and asked, "May I?"**

**Buffy nodded and handed Matthew to Xander. Carefully, so as not to wake him up, Xander sat down in the rocking chair beside Willow. He softly murmured, "How's my boy? I'm not you daddy, but I'll always be here to take care of you. Uncle Xander isn't going anywhere. We are all so proud of you and your sister. Happy birthday, little guy."**

**Willow looked up from where she was still trying to sooth her daughter. "Did you mean that? Xander, you don't have to…."**

**Xander put his hand up to silence her. "Yes, I did and I know that's why I'm doing it. You've been through so much and haven't asked for any help. I'm not leaving these kids alone. Now, it's late and you look like you haven't slept in days. I'm going to put the kids to bed tonight and you are going to take a long hot shower so you feel human again."**

**Willow nodded and handed Kathy to her friend. "Xander, are you sure you want to do this? They might look sweet, but they can be pretty fussy at bedtime."**

**Xander just nodded his head and all but pushed her out of the nursery. Once the witch left Buffy turned to her friend and asked, "Now, what do you know about babies?"**

**Xander shook his head. "I thought you would know everything. You are the Slayer after all. How hard could a dirty diaper be?"**

**Buffy rolled her eyes. "Oh no. We are not dumping dirty diapers on the Slayer. You wanted to be the baby expert; you change them, feed them, burp them, and put them to bed. Something tells me Matt will be waking up in, oh, about thirty seconds. Good night Xander, and good luck."**

**After the slayer left the room Matt began crying in his crib. Xander carefully shifted Kathy to his right hip and went and picked up Matthew in his other arm. Softly, he crooned, "Shh… don't cry. Uncle Xander's here. Man, what is that smell?"**

**As if to answer him, Kathy started to cry to. Quickly he moved both his niece and nephew to the changing table. Then he felt that Kathy's diaper was soaked to the core. He cringed, but unfastened it anyway. He whispered softly to quiet her, "No wonder you were upset. This can't be comfortable, can it? Don't worry, I'll fix it. Now, where are the clean diapers?"**

**Xander bent down and looked on the shelf until he found what he needed. Then he quickly changed Kathy and moved on to her brother. Buffy came into the room a minute later. "Um, Xander, you put Kathy's diaper on backwards and upside down. Did you remember to put powder on their butts so they don't get a rash? You know Willow will not hesitate to put a spell on you if you harm her babies."**

**Xander nodded. "Buffy, could you help me?"**

**The slayer nodded. "Now, do you want to tell me what happened today, and why Anya looked ready to kill someone?"**

**Xander sighed. "I went in here to check on Willow and she was upset. I ended up kissing her. Anya and Tara both saw it. Tara thinks Willow is in love with me, not her. I'm sorry, Buffy."**

**Buffy unhooked Matthews and Kathy's diapers and put them on correctly then she shook her head. "I'm not the one you need to apologize to. If I were you I would go talk to your girlfriend before she blows the town up and then I would go talk to Tara before she walks out on Willow. I would do it soon, Xander. Things didn't look good when I brought the kids inside."**

**Xander nodded his head solemnly. "I just don't know how, Buffy. Anya was so upset. She might have seemed angry but she was crying inside. I hate that I did that I did that to her. And Tara, the pain ing Tara's eyes when she told Willow she was leaving I…. I hate that I put that look there."**

**Buffy hugged her friend. "You can fix it, Xander. I have faith in you."**

_**With all I have with all I am I promise you all my life. Whenever the road is too long, whenever the wind is too strong, where ever this journey may lead to I will be there for you. I will be there for you. Through sorrow on the darkest night when there's heartache deep down inside. Just like a prayer you will be there.**_

**Meanwhile Tara was in her room trying to sleep. She heard the redhead lie down, but she didn't acknowledge her. Tears fell down her cheeks silently. Suddenly she felt a hand touch her arm. "Tara, can we talk?"**

**The blonde sniffled quietly. "What on earth would there be to talk about? You are in love with Xander. If you are going to break my heart, make it a clean break!"**

**Willow sighed. "Sweetie, Xander kissed me. I would never hurt you that way. My heart only beats for one person. I promise you that."**

**Tara sighed. "I trust you Willow, and I really want to believe that but… right now I think it's best if we take a break."**

**Will removed her hand from the witch's arm and got out of bed. Then she answered once she was sure her voice wouldn't break, "Fine. If that's what you want."**

**Tara looked at Willow and sadly answered, "I'm going to stay with Anya for awhile. I'm taking K…."**

**Willow cut her girlfriend off. "No! No way in hell are you taking my daughter! You want to leave, fine, but you leave my kids alone!" Willow calmed down when she heard the babies crying, before she left the room she snapped, "Now look what you made me do."**

**When the redhead entered the nursery Buffy was already trying to get Kathy back to sleep. She mouthed 'thank you' before going and picking Matt up out of his crib. Buffy noticed tears in her friend's eyes and asked, "What's the matter?"**

**The redhead sighed. "Tara's moving out. She thinks I love Xander."**

**The Slayer placed Kathy in the crib and pulled her friend into a hug. "Tara will come around. These kids are so precious. Oz would be really proud of you."**

**Willow nodded sadly. "They are my world, Buffy. Thank you for helping take care of them."**

**Buffy smiled. "I'm not leaving you alone Willow. I don't care what I have to do. Xander changed dirty diapers for the first time and didn't flinch. Now do you think you can go to sleep?"**

**The redhead nodded. "I'm just going to hold Matthew for a little while longer. He's frightened. I need to let him know that his mommy is here."**

**Buffy nodded. "Goodnight Willow. Don't stay up too late. We have a meeting with Giles in the morning."**

**Willow nodded to her friend and kissed her son's cheek. "Matt, mommy Willow is sorry she wasn't there to celebrate your birthday. Mommy loves you so much. You look just like your daddy." Quickly she stood up and took a picture of Oz off her dresser. "Here's a picture of him. He would have loved you so much. Mommy is always going to be here for you no matter what. No matter what you do with your life Mommy loves you."**

**Matthew smiled up at his mother and closed his eyes. Willow kissed his cheeks again and fell asleep in the rocking chair holding her son. She didn't know how long she and Tara would be apart but she hoped it would be over soon because she loved her with all of her heart.**


	10. butterfly fly away

_**Butterfly fly away**_

_You tuck me in turn out the light. You kept me safe and sound at night. Little girls depend on things like that. You brushed my teeth and combed my hair. You had to drive me everywhere. You were always there when I looked back._

Buffy was helping Willow put the kids to bed before she went on patrol that night. She had just finished reading them Black beauty that was Kathy's favorite book. For a three year old she had an amazing love of books.

The slayer kissed both of her niece's and nephew's foreheads and whispered, "Good night my angels."

Kathy sat up, "Aunt Buffy? The vampires won't hurt you will they?"

The slayer got down on her knees to be at eye level, "Look at me sweetie. What is your aunt Buffy?"

Kathy answered in a small voice, "A vampire slayer."

Buffy kissed Kathy's forehead again, I'm going to be fine. Now go to sleep. I love you."

Willow gave both her kids a hug before going into her own room for the night. She missed Tara more then words could say. It had been two years since she and Tara had talked last and Xander wasn't keeping in touch either. If it wasn't for Buffy she would have lost her mind.

The slayer was life saver when it came to foot ball practices, dance lessons, rides to and from preschool. Kathy and Matthew trusted her and to Dawn's dismay was the favorite aunt."

Willow rolled over and took a shirt that Tara had left and put it over a pillow. Then she used a spell to make the pillow hug her. Joyce heard the witch's sobs and went over to the bed, "Willow, sweetie you need to look at what's good in your life. You have two adorable children who love you very much. Friends who love you enough to help you to raise them. Come here. That can't be much of a comfort."

Mrs. Summers opened her arms for the witch and the redhead sobbed into her adopted mother figure's shoulder. Willow sniffled, "I'm so scared."

Gently Joyce cradled the witch to her chest then she whispered, "Willow I love you just as much as I love Buffy and Dawn. I promise you that. You are doing a fine job at being a mom. Now lie down and try to sleep ok. I stay here all night if it'll help you sleep."

The redhead detangled herself from Buffy's mother's arms and lied down on the bed. Thank you Mrs. Summers you don't have to stay. You look tired to."

Joyce smiled and kissed the witch's sweaty forehead, "You know I do. I'd do the same for Buffy or Dawn if they needed me. Don't worry your pretty little head about me. I'll be fine. You just rest."

The next morning Willow got up and went into the kids' room. She gently shook her daughter's shoulder, "Baby mommy is running a little behind today. It's time to get up."

Kathy yawned, "Ok mommy."

The witch kissed her little girl's cheek, "Go pick out your clothes and mommy will help you get dressed."

Once her daughter was dressed Willow went to go wake up her son, "Matt mommy overslept. It's time to get up."

Matthew rubbed his eyes, "It's still dark out."

Willow sighed, "If you get up now mommy will need to make you hot chocolate for breakfast."

Once both kids were dressed, fed, had their teeth and hair brushed Buffy drove them to preschool. Kathy hugged the slayer, "Aunt Buffy I don't like it when you patrol. Can't Grandpa Giles do it alone?"

Buffy sighed and tightened her arms around her niece, "Sweetie Aunt Buffy has to patrol to keep you guys safe at night. I promise that I will always come home and be there when you wake up. I love you. I'll be here to pick you up at the end of the day ok."

_You had to do it all alone. Make a living make a home. It must have been as hard as it could be. When I couldn't sleep at night scared things wouldn't turn out right you would hold my hand and sing to me. Caterpillar in the tree how you'll wonder who you'll be; can't go far but you can always dream. Wish you may and wish you might. Don't you worry hold on tight; I promise you there will come a day butterfly, fly away._

A week later Buffy was getting ready for patrol when her mom came into her room, "Buffy do you know where my shampoo is?"

The slayer answered, "Top shelf of the shower. Why are you asking?"

Joyce sat on the bed and took her daughter's hand, "Sweetie you know how I've been really tired and everything lately? Well the doctors want me to have a cat scan and then stay over night at the hospital for a week. I'm sure it's nothing. They just want to make sure. Don't tell Dawn though. I don't want her worrying over nothing."

Buffy nodded and hugged her mother tightly. Later that night Buffy heard Kathy screaming. She went into the room and sat on her niece's bed, "Sweetie, it was just a nightmare. I'm here. Aunt Buffy's got you."

Kathy sniffled, "Where's grandma?"

The slayer sighed this was the one thing she didn't want to think about, "Kathy grandma had to go to the doctor. She's sick but they will make her better. Now you have ballet lessons tomorrow. I can't take you so your mommy is going to ok. Good night. I love you."

Kathy sat up so her aunt could hug her easier, "Do you ever have bad dreams?"

Buffy kissed her niece's forehead and teased, "Bad dreams are afraid of slayers. That's why I thought I'd sleep with you tonight. Slide over sweetie."

Kathy asked, "Aunt Buffy is grandma going to be ok?"

Buffy lied down on the bed, "Get some sleep. The doctors don't think its anything. They are just being careful."

Buffy got up the next morning careful not to wake Kathy and went to see her mom. A doctor pulled her aside and said, "You mom has a shadow on her scan. We are very sorry but we want to do another series of tests to confirm the cancer."

Buffy wasn't listening to the doctors anymore. She had gone back into the memories of everything she and her mom had ever done together. Flashback: Buffy was three and sitting on her mother's lap. Joyce was reading her a bedtime story. She had just finished and whispered, "My little Caterpillar. You'll grow into a beautiful butterfly one day. I love you so much. Go to sleep my angel."

Buffy stared into her mother's eyes, "Mom you won't go away will you?"

Mrs. Summers pulled Buffy into a hug, "Honey I can't promise you that. What I can promise is that no matter where I go I will always be with you. I love you."

Buffy was brought out of her thoughts by Giles' hand on her arm, "Buffy I'm so sorry. If there's anything I can do…"

The slayer silenced her watcher, "There's nothing anyone can do. I just need to see mom. Can you go pick up Dawn but don't tell her anything… I think it's best if she hears it from me."

Giles nodded and the doctor led her into her mother's room. The slayer took several deep breathes and then entered her mother's room. Joyce Summers wrapped her arms around her daughter and said in a scared voice, "I have a shadow. Buffy I'm so scared. You and Dawn are my world. I don't know what I'd do with out my girls. I love you so much my Buffy."

Buffy hugged her mother and rocked back and forth, "Mom everything is going to be alright right. It has to be. It just has to be. I need you mommy. I still need you."

Mrs. Summers heard her daughter's voice break, "It's ok to cry Buffy. It's ok. I'm here and I love you so, so very much. When Dawn gets here don't tell her anything. Just bring her in. I want to talk to her alone."

Buffy shook her head, "If I cry I'll know it's over. I can't cry yet. I think Giles is here with Dawn now. I'll bring her in and let you two talk. I love you mom."

The slayer left the room and Giles pulled her in for a hug, "Buffy, I have to warn you. Dawn is freaked out by this. I would tell her gently and I would tell her soon."

The slayer nodded, "Mom wants to tell her. God I'm so scared. Giles I've never been so scared in all my life."

The watcher cleaned his glasses and then gently said, "Buffy. You have to understand sometimes the powers that be have… things planned for us that we can't control. Your mother will be fine I'm completely sure of it. I'm going to go in with Dawn and try to comfort her as best I can. You are going to talk to the doctors and fill out the forms ok. Willow will be on her way soon with some clean clothes for your mom and to take you and Dawn home."

_Butterfly fly away, butterfly fly away flap your wings you can't stay. Take those dreams and make them all come true. Butterfly fly away you've been waiting for this day. All along you've known what to do._

After Willow, Buffy, and Dawn came home from the hospital they beyond tired. Dawn's eyes were red from crying and Buffy's eyes stung with tears she refused to shed. Willow went into the bed room and was shocked to see Tara reading Kathy a story.

The redhead opened her mouth but all that came out was a strangled sob. Tara went over to her girlfriend and hugged her, "I… heard about Mrs. Summers. I thought you could use a hand. Unless you want me to leave… if you do I completely understand."

Willow pulled Tara in closer, "I will never want you to leave. You are stuck here with me. I love you Tara. Is Kathy still awake I want to talk to her about Mrs. Summers?"

Tara nodded, "I've read her three stories and she wouldn't go to sleep until she knew Mommy Willow was safe. She's so much like you it isn't funny and Matthew he's turning into quite the gentle man. You should be proud of yourself."

Willow nodded and then hugged her daughter, "Sweetie mommy has to talk to you about something you might not understand. If you have any questions you can ask ok. Remember how aunt Buffy said grandma was at the doctors? She's very sick honey. The doctors are going to do what ever they can to make her better but she still might end up going to heaven with the angels."

Kathy started to cry and asked, "Mommy did daddy go to be with the angels?"

Willow nodded and kissed away her daughter's tears. He did sweetie and he is watching over you right now. He loves you so much. If you want Aunt Buffy can take you to see grandma. You just have to promise mommy you won't take it to heart if she says something she wouldn't normally say. It's part of what's wrong with her. Now I love you and its way past your bedtime my angel."


	11. only hope

Only hope

_There's a song that's inside of my soul. It's the one that I've tried to write over and over again. I'm awake in the infinite cold. You sing to me over and over again. So I lay my head back down. I lift my hands and pray._

Three weeks after Mrs. Summers had been diagnosed Buffy was reading the kids a bedtime story when she heard the phone ring. She stuck a bookmark in the book and went to answer it. She was shocked to hear a pained voice groan, "Buffy, help me."

The Slayer's voice broke. "Xander?"

The voice on the other end choked out, "Buffy, I'm at the old high school. Demons attacked, I think I broke my leg fending them off. Can you come get me?"

Buffy swallowed and tried to get rid of the lump in her throat. Once she was able to speak she calmly said, "I'll be right there. Stay where you are and don't move. I've just got to finish putting Kathy and Matthew to bed. Willow and Tara are out to dinner. Oh, and if you aren't seriously hurt you are going to get your ass kicked when I get there."

After Buffy hung up the phone she heard Willow and Tara come in the back door. She composed herself and went to meet them in the kitchen. She found the two witches making herbal tea and chatting quietly with one another.

Tara looked up and smiled at the Slayer. "Buffy, thanks for watching the kids tonight. They weren't too much of a handful, were they?"

Buffy shook her head. "They are always little angels for me. There is an emergency at the old high school. Xander's been hurt. I was reading the kids a bedtime story but now I have to go patrolling. I'm sorry I didn't have them in bed by the time you got home…"

At the mention of Xander's name Willow nearly fell out of her chair. "Buffy what happened to Xander? What attacked him; vampires, demons? Buffy…"

Tara squeezed her girlfriend's shoulder. "Honey, let Buffy talk. I'm sure Xander is fine."

Buffy sunk into a chair, "He fought the demons off that were around the area of the old school. He's got a broken leg. He'll be fine, Will. However I'm going to rip him apart for hiding from us in the first place."

When Buffy reached the place where the old school house used to be she called out Xander's name softly. She carefully walked through the debris when she heard a voice. "Slayer."

Buffy's blood boiled. Spike was the last person she needed to see right now. She grumbled without looking up. "Go away, Spike. I'm not in the mood, nor do I have the time to be kicking your sorry ass around today."

Spike surprised Buffy by saying, "I know where Xander is. I'll show you for a price."

Buffy grabbed Spike by the neck. "How is this for a price? You show me or I stake you here and now like you deserve."

Spike put his hands up in defense. "I'm not the one who hurt him, Buffy. If I hadn't come to help they'd have killed him."

Buffy put her stake away. "Just show me where he is."

Spike led Buffy into the area that looked like it had once been the library. The Slayer squinted as her eyes adjusted to the darkness. Then she saw a lump lying on the floor with its left leg bent at an odd angle. Quickly she made her way over and touched her friend's shoulder. "Xander…."

Xander sat up gingerly. "So… so many…. They came… I tried…. Too slow… not Buffy…"

The Slayer gently pushed him back down. "Shh… it's alright, Xander. Let me see your leg. I'll be gentle, I promise."

Xander groaned as he straightened his leg. Buffy ran her hand over it gently. "It's badly sprained but not broken. Can you walk if I help you?"

Xander nodded weakly. "I'm sorry for everything. Leaving was a really dumb idea."

Buffy nodded her head. "It was but I'm still sorry you got hurt. As much as it pains me to say it I'm glad Spike was here. Now let's get you home."

_I pray to be only yours. I pray to be only yours. I know now you are my only hope. Sing to me the song of the stars; your galaxy dancing and laughing again. When it feels like my dreams are so far sing to me of the plans that you have for me over again._

When Buffy brought Xander home she helped him into a chair. "You are talking to Anya, Xander. This nonsense has to stop. You two love each other so much. She's had time to calm down so maybe she'll listen this time."

Xander groaned. "Anya is the last thing I need right now. Can you just get me some ice?"

The Slayer started to answer when she saw Dawn come out of her room. Dried tears were on her face. She sniffled softly and made her way to the sink.

Buffy took her sister's hand. "Dawn? What's the matter?"

The teen shook her head. "It's nothing."

Xander spoke gently, "Dawnie, tell us what's wrong. We want to help you."

Dawn swallowed. "Mom… I wish she was home. We don't know if she'll make it. I'm so scared."

Buffy pulled her sister into a hug. "Dawn, Mom is going to be fine. I promise. Now just get back to bed."

Once Dawn was in her room Xander put his hand on Buffy's shoulder. "What's wrong with your mom?"

Buffy sniffed and tried to keep the tears from falling down her cheeks. "She's just really sick. It's nothing I can't deal with. It doesn't matter if she might die… she's not going to die. That isn't allowed to happen."

Xander squeezed his friend's shoulder. "Buffy, what do you mean she might die? What is wrong with her?"

The Slayer fell into a chair. "Brain cancer. They are going to do whatever they can but… her chances are very…"

Xander pulled Buffy into his arms. "Buff, I'm so sorry. Willow and I will take over patrol as long as you need us to. It's going to be okay."

Buffy sighed. "I don't know what to do, Xander. I mean, Mom wants to come home. She can't stand being in the hospital… I haven't slept in days. I've been so worried. If she comes home I might make a mistake with her meds and she could die."

Xander put his hand on his friend's knee. "Buffy, don't stress. It'll all work out."

The Slayer nodded, "You should go see Willow. I'm sure you guys have a lot talk about."

Xander smiled and hugged his friend. "We do but not until I'm sure that you are in bed. You look terrible, Buff. You need to get some sleep."

Buffy sighed in defeat. "Fine, I'll go to bed. There are just too many things I need to get done. The dishes, the laundry, taking the trash out… I just haven't have time to be just Buffy. When Mom comes home I'll have even less Buffy time."

Xander took the dish towel out of his friend's hand, and followed her to the bedroom. Once the Slayer was on the bed he gently took her hand. "Buffy, go to sleep. I'm here and I'm not going anywhere."

Buffy yawned and got under the covers. Once she was settled she asked in a soft voice, "Stay?"

Xander nodded and rubbed circles on her palm. Once Buffy was asleep he went to the room where Willow and Tara slept. He barely knocked on the door when the redhead tackled him to the floor. "Xander! Oh my God! I've been so worried."

Xander rubbed circles on the witch's back. "I'm here and I'm okay. A little banged up but I'm still your Xander. Hey, don't cry. Willow, they didn't lay a scratch on me."

Willow sniffled. "When Buffy said you were ambushed I was so scared. I was afraid it would be like Jessie. That I'd have to watch Buffy… I don't even want to remember that night."

Xander pulled Willow to him and ran his fingers through her hair. "Will, I'm here. I'm safe now. I only left to keep the gang together. I really messed things up. I had to stay away and until I came up with a way to fix it."

Willow sobbed. "Xander, you are a huge part of the gang… a huge part of me. You and Tara both… I'm nothing without you either of you."

Xander kissed Willow's forehead. "You are wrong. Buffy says you've been a wonderful mom. I know I haven't been here like I promised but…"

Willow smiled at her friend. "Of course you can see them. Xander, you can see them. Right now they are asleep… at least they should be…"

Xander looked down and saw Kathy tugging on Willow's pants crying. He bent down and picked her up. "Hello sweetie. I bet you don't remember me, but I'm your Uncle Xander."

Kathy sniffled but a small smile formed on her face. "Uncle Xander home?"

Xander smiled at his niece. "Yes honey, I'm home."

Willow went over to Xander and asked her daughter in a soft voice, "What's the matter, sweetie? What are you doing up?"

Kathy started to cry again. "I wet the bed. I'm sorry, Mommy."

Willow took her daughter from Xander and noticed her pjs were soaked. She bounced her on her hip. "It's alright, tiger kitten. Mommy will fix it. Uncle Xander will get you into some dry pjs while I change your sheets."

Xander took Kathy from Willow and carried her into her bedroom again. Then he asked her, "Do you want snowflakes or Sleeping Beauty?"

Kathy shook her head and pulled out a nightdress with a tiger cub on it. Xander helped her put it on and then took her over to her rocking chair. "How about I read you a story while mommy Willow changes your sheets?"

Kathy grabbed Charlotte's Web from the table by the chair. "Read, please."

Xander was halfway through the third chapter when Willow had the bed remade with clean sheets. Kathy had fallen asleep with her head on Xander's shoulder. Willow took her from him and placed her on the bed. Then she pulled the covers over her. "Xander, thank you so much. Without you guys I'd never be able to raise these kids."

_I give you my destiny. I'm giving you all of me. I want your symphony singing with all that I am. At the top of my lungs I'm giving it all. So I lay my head back down and I lift my hands and pray to be only yours. I pray to be only yours. I know now you are my only hope._

Meanwhile Anya was staring at the phone. She missed Xander so much. She wondered if he was safe or if something had happened to him. Finally she couldn't fight it anymore and she dialed his cell number.

She wasn't expecting him to answer but he picked up on the first ring. Her heart nearly stopped when she heard the voice. "Anya? Honey, we need to talk. What happened two years ago… that was a mistake. I love you Ahn, and you are everything to me. Can I come home?"

The ex-demon sniffled. "Yes. I've missed you. Will Buffy mind if you left tonight?"

Xander sighed. "No baby. I can't come home just yet. Buffy needs me at home to help with patrolling and taking care of Dawn since her mom's been sick. Did you hear about that?"

Anya sadly answered, "I just don't understand. How does something like this happen? I mean she was fine and then all of a sudden she could die. Xander, promise me you won't die. If you are going to I want a big clock with flashing lights. I want to be able to stop it. I just don't want it to happen."

Xander wished he could wrap his arms around his girlfriend and make all of her fears go away. Instead he answered, "Alright big bomb clock. Now its time to go to sleep. I love you Anya."

After Xander got off the phone he heard Dawn call his name. He went into the teenager's room. "Dawnie? Is everything ok?"

Dawn sat up. "I'm just glad you are back. I'm worried about Buffy. She doesn't sleep much. With what happened with Mom she's even tenser…you coming back made everything better."

Xander smiled at the teenager. "You miss your mom don't you?"

Dawn nodded. "I miss her a lot. She used to sing to me and Buffy every night. Sometimes she'll do it even now. It helped me sleep at night just knowing she was there."

Xander took a seat on the bed and softly began to sing to Dawn running a hand through her hair, "Midnight moonlight shining through the curtain lace. Paints a perfect picture on your perfect face; one sweet angel sleeping in my arms. You are the promise I knew God would keep. You are the gift that makes my life complete. You'll never know how much I love you. I'll keep on telling you my whole life through. I believe in miracles and you are the reason why. Dream on while I sing you my angels lullaby."

Right before Dawn fell asleep she whispered, "I need you, Xander… we all need you."

Xander stroked her hair. "I'm here, Dawnie. I'm not going to leave again. Sleep now."


End file.
